Over the last three years I have had four different offices. Some of them were nice. At least one of them barely qualified as a cubicle.
However, all of them had one thing in common:
Within a month of moving in some asshole stole the plastic fastening-nuts that secured the toilet seats to the toilets in all of the mens rooms.
This is kind of annoying, since any time you sit on one of the seats you have a chance of the seat not staying put. Of course, it takes months for building maintenance to fix these kind of issues, and when they do the nuts disappear again anyway.
I will admit that the first time it was kind of funny. The second time I can give points for persistence. But you know what? Constant stealing of toilet-nuts is a sign of a goddamn disease.
I can just picture some business casual asshole keeping a hoard of toilet-nuts in a locked filing cabinet waiting for winter to come so he can… well, I don’t know. I lost my analogy there so I’m just going to assume he is shoving them up his ass. That seems like the type of thing one would do with pilfered plastic fasteners. Just keep shoving them up there and, after awhile, taking them back out again. Maybe sometimes he leaves them up there when he goes into the bathroom to look at the loose seats, so he can get a smug feeling that he has the toilet-nuts and no one else does.
I wouldn’t doubt that its the same asshole that wipes their snot on the wallpaper above the urinals every week.
I fucking hate people, and I fucking hate plastic toilet-nuts.
I just spent two hours taking apart my water heater and I’m waiting for it to heat back up so I can take a bath. However, I don’t want to write about that.
Instead I’m going to write about how people are horrible and I hate their feet.
Recently I spent about three weeks sleeping in a hospital while my son was recovering from (successful) heart surgery. The hospital offered fold-down couches that could be used as a bed by one parent, but they were pretty horrible. They also had a very limited number of ‘sleep rooms’ that could be used, but the room reservations were determined by how far away from the hospital you lived.
During the final week I was lucky enough to get one of the sleep rooms, so when the time came I went to the room and collapsed on the bed. I was exhausted, so I didn’t even bother to get undressed or get under the blankets.
After about an hour a horrible, acrid smell woke me up. [Read more →]
…Aw, baby, don’t be that way. You’re right, that was insensitive. You know I love you. You know I can’t quit you.
I didn’t mean for our little ‘break’ to last that long, but it turns out that I really needed some ‘me’ time. Its not you, its me. I’d like to blame the baby and lack of sleep, but truth be told I’m getting just as little sleep now as I did before the baby was born. I may have less time for computer shit, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still be together.
It will be hard, I know. But damnit Pen, it will be worth it. We’ll do it for the kids.
Throughout my life dozens of people have told me that I would eventually pay for my past misdeeds against them. In fact, many have actually wished for specific punishments to be implemented that would undoubtedly be long and tortuous.
Out of all of those threats though, one of them stood out from the rest: “You will some day have a child that is just like you”.
Well, it has happened. Somehow I have brought forth a male child into this world. Karma has finally come to get me. On the bright side, the assurances I had from friends and enemies alike that the world would end should I ever reproduce turned out not to bear fruit… at least not in the literal ‘world ceasing to exist’ sense.
In the mean time I have an infant to care for, and for some reason no responsible party has come to take it away from me. I weep for the world.
Full disclosure: My google history includes the search term:“How do I train my dog to change a diaper without eating it?”
I walk into a room to see my wife sitting on the couch, fuming about something. With some apprehension, I approach her and ask “What’s up?”
“I can’t believe the unrealistic demands that people make!” she replied. “Every single day it gets worse.”
I sit down next to her and place my hand on hers.
“Wait, are you talking about work, or something else?”
“Its just… How can they afford a $600,000 house and not know that you can fix the color of a wall by painting it??”
Ah. She was talking about House Hunters. This was bad… she was in a worse funk than the time she spent 5 hours straight watching My Fair wedding. Obviously it was time to break out the tough love.
“They’re people, sweetie. I know it hurts the first few times, but the sooner you accept that people are stupid and there is nothing you can do about it the healthier you’ll be. It goes double for people on TV”.
Thank God she hadn’t been watching 16 and Pregnant.
Its not exactly a secret that I spend a lot of time on Tumblr.
I don’t exactly have an account. I don’t participate with comments or sharing. In fact, I only have three Tumblr sites that I regularly follow… but I don’t spend most of my time on those sites. I spend most of my time on the Tumblr porn.
So, like many people I was a little concerned when I heard that Yahoo(!) was purchasing Tumblr. Of course, I was concerned a lot later than everyone else because I was too busy consuming the porn to keep up on the current events. So of course I’m also at least a week late on the news that Yahoo(!) has addressed this issue already…
The current Yahoo(!) CEO has assured people that the porn can stay. Why? Because Tumblr already had a separate advertising plan for the porn. Its so nice to see capitalism working for the common good for once! Slate’s article on the Tumblr porn.
However I doubt even Yahoo(!) could make the Tumblr pages load consistently across all browsers. That would just be too controversial.