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Fuck fuck fuck a duck. Fingerbang an orangutan

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Well… shit.

August 12th, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

On the bright side, at least now there won’t be a Mrs. Doubtfire 2.

More here

→ No CommentsTags: News · stream of consciousness

Goo-gone

July 24th, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

Over the last few days I’ve been afflicted with an infestation of sinus goo that has been making me sneeze constantly. In addition, the allergy meds I’ve been taking to compensate have been making me occasionally loopy, so I have been forgetting what I’m working on right in the middle of working on it.

So this morning while I’m feeding the baby, I felt a sneeze coming. My hands are full, so I instinctively did what I’ve been trained to do since the 1990s… I sneezed into my elbow.

Unfortunately I choose the elbow that I was carrying the baby in… which resulted in the baby’s face being completely covered in spittle and little bits of off-white phlegm.

He thought it was hilarious.

→ No CommentsTags: stream of consciousness

Chroming the suck off a trailer hitch.

July 12th, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

Do you use Google Chrome on a PC?

Do you get annoyed when certain webpages intercept the middle-click event handler and your pages don’t open in a new tab?

You may be interested in “Middle Click Mini” which makes the middle-click work just like it does in FireFox and any other respectable browser.

By the way, thanks to the BBC news… the javascript ‘lightbox’ links they use annoyed me enough to find a plug-in solution. (Of course, even with that it was still less annoying than CNN).

→ No CommentsTags: Techie

Now I have a machine gun. Ho-ho-ho.

July 3rd, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

Every time I see an elevator door open, I check for dead bodies.

→ No CommentsTags: stream of consciousness

Warm boot.

July 1st, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

Today I was forwarded the following ticket:

Laptop gets to hot to touch

This has happend 2 times within the last week.

I close laptop, still on, unplug from everything and put it into bag. Wehn I pull it out about 1 1/2 hours later it is to hot to touch. Last time it also shut down and had to restart.

Escalation reason: “This is above our skill set”

When I called the techs for explanation, they had this to say:
“None of us could work the ticket without calling the user stupid. Therefore it is above our skill level”

I hate my coworkers.

→ No CommentsTags: Bitchfest · Techie

Loose Lavatory Stools

June 25th, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

Over the last three years I have had four different offices. Some of them were nice. At least one of them barely qualified as a cubicle.

However, all of them had one thing in common:
Within a month of moving in some asshole stole the plastic fastening-nuts that secured the toilet seats to the toilets in all of the mens rooms.

This is kind of annoying, since any time you sit on one of the seats you have a chance of the seat not staying put. Of course, it takes months for building maintenance to fix these kind of issues, and when they do the nuts disappear again anyway.

I will admit that the first time it was kind of funny. The second time I can give points for persistence. But you know what? Constant stealing of toilet-nuts is a sign of a goddamn disease.

I can just picture some business casual asshole keeping a hoard of toilet-nuts in a locked filing cabinet waiting for winter to come so he can… well, I don’t know. I lost my analogy there so I’m just going to assume he is shoving them up his ass. That seems like the type of thing one would do with pilfered plastic fasteners. Just keep shoving them up there and, after awhile, taking them back out again. Maybe sometimes he leaves them up there when he goes into the bathroom to look at the loose seats, so he can get a smug feeling that he has the toilet-nuts and no one else does.

I wouldn’t doubt that its the same asshole that wipes their snot on the wallpaper above the urinals every week.

I fucking hate people, and I fucking hate plastic toilet-nuts.

→ No CommentsTags: Bitchfest · stream of consciousness

Abandoned Sock Babies

June 24th, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

I just spent two hours taking apart my water heater and I’m waiting for it to heat back up so I can take a bath. However, I don’t want to write about that.

Instead I’m going to write about how people are horrible and I hate their feet.

Recently I spent about three weeks sleeping in a hospital while my son was recovering from (successful) heart surgery. The hospital offered fold-down couches that could be used as a bed by one parent, but they were pretty horrible. They also had a very limited number of ‘sleep rooms’ that could be used, but the room reservations were determined by how far away from the hospital you lived.

During the final week I was lucky enough to get one of the sleep rooms, so when the time came I went to the room and collapsed on the bed. I was exhausted, so I didn’t even bother to get undressed or get under the blankets.

After about an hour a horrible, acrid smell woke me up.
[Read more →]

→ No CommentsTags: Bitchfest · stream of consciousness

Baby come back

June 17th, 2014 by Clme · No Comments

Wait… you’re still here?

…Aw, baby, don’t be that way. You’re right, that was insensitive. You know I love you. You know I can’t quit you.

I didn’t mean for our little ‘break’ to last that long, but it turns out that I really needed some ‘me’ time. Its not you, its me. I’d like to blame the baby and lack of sleep, but truth be told I’m getting just as little sleep now as I did before the baby was born. I may have less time for computer shit, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still be together.

It will be hard, I know. But damnit Pen, it will be worth it. We’ll do it for the kids.

→ No CommentsTags: Children Are Evil · Inspirational

In which jealousy is used as a weapon.

December 16th, 2013 by Clme · Comments Off

Throughout my life dozens of people have told me that I would eventually pay for my past misdeeds against them. In fact, many have actually wished for specific punishments to be implemented that would undoubtedly be long and tortuous.

Out of all of those threats though, one of them stood out from the rest:
“You will some day have a child that is just like you”.

Well, it has happened. Somehow I have brought forth a male child into this world. Karma has finally come to get me. On the bright side, the assurances I had from friends and enemies alike that the world would end should I ever reproduce turned out not to bear fruit… at least not in the literal ‘world ceasing to exist’ sense.

In the mean time I have an infant to care for, and for some reason no responsible party has come to take it away from me. I weep for the world.

Full disclosure: My google history includes the search term:“How do I train my dog to change a diaper without eating it?”

[Read more →]

Comments OffTags: Children Are Evil · philosophical

There’s no crying in ‘hockey-themed sex-dungeon!’

September 3rd, 2013 by Clme · No Comments

DIY network has had a 60 second spot on for a bit detailing how to build your own Man Cave Time-Out Bench.

At the end, they assure us all that handcuffs are optional.

…Wait, what? Handcuffs on a time-out bench? Is this for a man cave or a sex dungeon?

What the fuck?

→ No CommentsTags: Bitchfest · Review