In my last post, I mentioned that I’ve been sent to Phoenix by my employer to give one of our big customers a little on-site lovin. Two days later, the software’s basically working, but I still have no idea when I’ll be returning to my beloved Pr0tland. Now, as some long-time lose^H^H^H^H readers may recall, I’ve tried (and despised) the business-traveller lifestyle before, and the only thing I ever liked about it was the hotels. Airports suck, rental cars suck, wearing khakis sucks, but hotels are fun! You can piss on the towels with impunity, you can stand in front of the bay windows naked if you like, you can perform experiments with the iron and the coffeepot that Underwriters Laboratory never approved, and someone you never have to meet cleans it up for you! It’s like a little vacation from real life.
That’s what I thought before I found Hotel Hell. I know what you’re thinking: “Gee Weis, so spoiled by Westins that you turn up your nose at any place without a four-sta restaurant?” Oh no, my friends, I’ve stayed in a pretty good variety of places, and I can without qualification guarantee that this place is Sucksville. Still not convinced? Then let me point out a few (who am I kidding, you know there’ll be five) of the qualities that will burn this place into memory:
1. When I arrived, at 2 AM Thursday night, there was half of a pickle lying on the floor of the elevator. As of this morning, it’s still there.
2: Hotel restaurant? Not only is there no hotel restaurant, there’s no hotel bar, no hotel pool, no hotel breakfast nook, not even a hotel ice machine. What there is is a hotel desk, some hotel rooms, and a parking lot.
III The TV does have several pay channels, but they’re all varieties of Showtime. There’s no broadband connection, and the phone is incapable of making local calls.
$. There’s no fucking iron. When was the last time you were in a hotel with no iron? There is a little refrigerator (which, has been emitting the same high-pitched whine since I arrived – remarkable, considering that it’s room temperature inside), but it is empty, save for one ice cube tray (broken), one cockroach (dead), and a small colony of ants (very much alive).
Five: They bring fresh towels and sheets once per week. Naturally, this occured the day before I arrived.
Don’t ask me how I got stuck here – this place happens to be a block from the client site, but so are about half a dozen other (presumably normal) hotels. And how much is my ever-loving employer paying for me to stay in this shithole? A whopping $38.42 per night. Thanks fellas! Oh, how I miss the dot-com days…