An open letter to a lobbyist and leader of a certain special interest group:
Mr Weis, Your McCarthyism in this matter is gravely disturbing. I do believe that your unwillingness to accept other pastries into the fold of American culture truly shows your terrorist intent. I must ask you: Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an opposing culinary faction? I believe that we can answer that question by examining your own posts. Your words, or lack thereof, betray you. Within your posts are obvious hidden reasons for your sudden conversion to doughnutism. Just look for yourself! I find them so obvious I’m not even going to bother pointing them out here. Independant impartial examiners paid by me have found evidence that pastries of the non-doughnut type were in fact sold to other countries by your administration under the guise of good will. These countries then used these ‘Pastries of Mass Destruction’ against their own people, making them slothful and willing to accept socialized health care, BBC news, and Jerry Lewis. Innocent pastries throughout the world are even now being discriminated against and being banished to the day-old rack due to fear that association with them will make one a ‘terrorist’ or a ‘liberal’. This discrimination must stop if we are to ever hold our own in the world baking competitions. Is it any coincidence that both doughnuts and these newfangled ‘Compact Disks’ have a hole in the cener? I think not. Coincidentally, I have record here of you purchasing a ‘CD Burner’, or a device heavily used in the pirating of music. Purchase of this item shows intent to disobey the law, and the penalty for intent to deliver stolen goods is quite high in this country… or perhaps you didn’t know that COMRADE? Your position in certain secret societies will not fnord protect you this time. Insincerely, CLME, Esq.
There you have it. I’ve displayed irrefutable evidence that Mr. Weis is in fact FRENCH. My position stands. Please reelect me in November.