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So I’m working on a new hobby – politically-themed impressions that can be conveyed in plaintext. I know, revolutionary, right? Here’s my first attempt: CNN personality Lou Dobbs, erstwhile of some show with “money” in the title and currently of some show with “Lou Dobbs” in the title. Ready? Here’s my go:

Good evening, I am a frank and unbiased Lou Dobbs. With all the recent media attention on the economy, the election, the war in Iraq, and other issues of import, I’d like to focus tonight, as every night, on something that’s often overlooked, though not by me: illegal immigration, and how illegal immigrants – who I must stress are illegal – are literally taking money out of the pockets of you, and all hardworking legal honorable US citizens just like you, in much the same way a rapist might take money from the feeble grasp of a disabled, elderly nun. Can you see the American flag on my lapel? If not, you might allow your eyes to defocus on the gigantic waving-American-flag graphic covering the entire wall behind me at all times. Incidentally, to avoid the appearance of bias, I should be clear that I am a U.S. citizen, and not an illegal immigrant who commits a crime by working illegally in the U.S. Tonight, as part of our six-year series of in-depth reports on illegal immigration, we’ll talk to hard-working U.S. citizens like yourself in areas of Texas and New Mexico, states which as you know have been particularly hard-hit by the devastating impact of the economic class-5 hurricane known as illegal immigration, or as I like to call it, el ni?o ilegal. But first, a government expert will join us to explain how many billions of dollars these illegal people withdraw from our national economy in the form of medical services and education. He’ll also estimate how much they return in the form of mobile, adaptable, cheap exploitable labor, but that part will be cut so we can bring you Judy Woodruff with the weather. Later, in our “point-counterpoint” segment, we’ll give you an unbiased look at both sides of the question. First we’ll be joined by a congenial West Texas businessman who will explain how he loves his two daughers – both of whom twirl batons – very much, and doesn’t want their livelihoods threatened by ignorant manual laborers who swarm across the border like locusts expressly to receive costly emergency medical treatment. Then we’ll examine the other side of the issue, as we are joined by a smarmy liberal law professor who will explain how, technically, illegal aliens are human beings and thus entitled to the protection of our constitution. Now we have to take a break for the headlines with Aaron Brown. But before we go I’d like to remind everyone that illegal immigration is a simple, black-and-white issue: it’s law-abiding citizens versus illegal aliens. Extraneous ideas – like the fact that illegal aliens receive their money from hardworking American employers much like yourself who apparently want to employ illegal immigrants, or that new policies to suddenly remove a large, mobile, cheap labor force might have some effect on the economy – these ideas just obscure the larger issue, and that’s why we won’t be telling you anything about them. I’m Lou Dobbs, we’ll be back in a moment.

Whaddya think? Wordy?