penismightier.com

Over the years I have discovered several ‘rules’ about marriage that I have to remember when I visit elderly relatives and small-minded assholes. I have compiled these ‘rules’ into a simple list so that those of you with aging, racist relatives can fake a conversation long enough to not get written out of the will.

• Shotgun weddings: These are OK, but the couple have to go to church and raise the child in the eyes of God.
• Marriage for money: These are OK unless the one with money is related to you. In that case the other person is a money grubbing whore/bastard.
• Marriage for sex: If they at least pretend its for love (or to make grandchildren) then these are OK… as long as the couple goes to church now and then.
• Marriage to someone much older than you: Acceptable unless the person is rich… but not ideal.
• Arranged Marriages: Not only OK, but great subjects for moral musicals and movies that people get the wrong messages from.
• Inter-Racial marriage: Depends on the race, and how much the shades of their skin clash.
• Same-Sex Marriage: Somehow this will destroy life as we know it.
• Inter-Species Marriage: According to the pundits and many republican congressmen, this is the next ‘logical’ step after same-sex marriage. In any case, its not OK… even with goats. Especially not with goats. Not even if the goat is really smart and knows when not to use its teeth.
• Common-law Marriage: Ok if you’re platonic, you sinners. But you should get thrown out of church.
• Cheating on your spouse during marriage: Forgivable for the man, but not the woman. He’s under a lot of pressure, after all.
• Divorce: This is completely unforgivable in the eyes of God and anyone with children. But all of them have done it (just like wife beating). Just don’t talk about it and get yourself remarried as soon as you can.
• Wearing White at a second Wedding: If they were fooled the first time, they will probably somehow be fooled again… even if your 5 year old is in the wedding. If your mother-in-law wears black, ignore what she says and keep her away from the bar. If your father-in-law wears a hip flask keep him away from your parents, the bridesmaids, and that strange uncle that makes his own ‘medicine’.

Good luck, and good sinning!