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Over my years of sitting on things I have discovered that there are different classes of furniture. It seems that different items have their rank and value determined by a complicated formula that involves who bought it, how old it is, and wether or not its been in my home. Some furniture has only narrowly escaped becoming a priceless family heirloom by being relegated to my living quarters for a short period of time. Nowhere is this more evident than with my couches. The couch hierarchy is as follows.

1. Someone Else’s Couch: Couches are born in a magical place, far away from my home. Fancy models sometimes go by the name ‘davenport’ or ‘futon’. Sometimes they’ll even come in a matching set, complete with something called an ottoman that looks a hell of a lot like a footstool. In these places they are pampered and even occasionally vacuumed. There they will stay until someone buys a new couch and leaves them working the garage sale corners. I have seen these couches through other people’s windows when I spy on them at night, but have never owned one myself.
2. The ‘good’ couch Typically second hand since, as mom used to say, “Its because of you we cant have nice things”. It stays ‘good’ until the cats rip it up, someone urinates on it, someone stains it with a color that doesn’t blend in, it collapses, or a leg breaks off. It rarely matches the other furniture in the room, and then only by accident.
3. The porch couch. This is where the good couch goes once its no longer good. It may be held up with bricks where broken, and you may use cushions from other discarded furniture to fill in the spots where it has collapsed. If someone has urinated on it or otherwise made it smell bad you regularly douse it in something that smells good and just cover it with an old blanket or beach towel. This couch remains on the porch until there is either another couch to replace it or else it just gets too ratty or smelly to keep on the porch.
4. The front yard couch. This is the couch you only sit in if it hasn’t rained recently and the dog confirms there are no animals in it. Typically its only used for parties or for the pets to lay on, but sometimes you just want to sit in a sunny spot. Not in your work clothes though, since that smell sticks to you and the stains start to stain back. It stays here until either all the fabric rots away or you begin to be able to smell it from the street.
5. The curb couch. You’re leaving this for others to take from you. This inevitably ends up on someone elses porch that has even lower standards than you.

Now, other furniture like that sex swing I bought will probably be a priceless family heirloom someday. Especially since its never been used.