penismightier.com

The lumberyard was having a ’20% off sale’ today and I was in need of some tools and plumbing supplies. It seemed like a win-win situation, so I left the shelter of my home and ventured out into the asshole-filled concrete-jungle that some call a city.

Little was I to know that every inbred halfwit and their three-quarter wit handlers would be there as well, lumbering through the lumberyard as though it was their birthday and Christmas combined. They were surpassed in volume only by the disgruntled obese couples trying to convince each other that they didn’t need to buy something just because it was on sale.

After some searching and narrow close calls I had the items I had come for and was looking forward to leaving the stifling aisles for the escape the checkout counters offered. But the fates were against me! The lines for the checkouts were many people deep, and the wait for my deliverance looked to be at least 45 minutes long. But wait I did. These supplies would be needed even if they hadn’t been on sale, and it was my responsibility… nay, my DUTY to acquire these parts and sally forth to do battle with the evil Kitchen and his copper-piped minions.

Finally my turn at the register came up and I walked around to the front of my cart so that I could sign for the purchase and collect bags from the cashier. For some reason though the woman behind me that had until that moment been calm and polite chose that moment to start pushing my cart out of the way before it was emptied. She didn’t even have the decency of spirit to go around and push it herself. No, she tried to aim her cart at mine and pretended to be a tugboat pushing a cargo ship around.

I kept moving my cart back and looking at the woman, who just glared every time I met her eyes. Finally, after the third such encounter I looked up at her and said “Feeling a little impatient today, miss?”. Her pupils dilated and turned red at my comment, and I only narrowly avoided being burned by the lasers that were sure to come out of them next. Unfortunately, the cashier that started to laugh when I made my comment was fried to bits by the woman’s caustic glare.

The smell of sulfur will take days to clear from that store.
R.I.P. ‘Jill’, wherever you are.