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My basement recently became infested with earwigs. The little creepy bastards were constantly found crawling on the floor and walls, and seemed to be finding shelter in the space behind the baseboards.

At first I found them to be just a minor (and ugly) nuisance. Then I began finding them invading other portions of the house (especially near pet food) and I began to consider ways to eliminate them.

However, the final straw came this evening when one of the fuckers bit me while I was dozing on the couch in my basement.

Of course you realize, this meant war.

The normal house & garden bug sprays proved themselves to be ineffective against my foe. In fact, after the first few applications the earwigs appeared to be larger than they were initially. Suddenly I began to fear that I was not dealing with mere earwigs, but some strange mutant hybrid of earwig and cockroach.

I was getting desperate. If these things continued to grow larger then they would soon be looking at the cat as though it were a meal. I started to do some research and found that ordinary soap and water was supposed to be one of the most effective methods of killing these things. I was hopeful.

Armed with a bucket full of scalding hot soapy water I started to pour a bit of it along the baseboards. Earwigs started crawling out, only to be drowned rapidly.

I thought I had won. In fact, with a smile on my face I started to dance a little jig, only to slip on the soapy water and fall down onto my knees. Soon I would become not only embarassed, but humbled.

While in my prostrate position I looked over into the basement bathroom. Despite my soapy water applications there were still several rather large earwigs crawling towards me… and they looked pissed off.

I ran up to the garage and started looking through my arsenal of garden tools hoping to at least be able to rescue the cat before the earwigs took over my house.

Then I saw it: Wasp spray. I had purchased about ten cans of this stuff a few years ago when an apartment I was caring for kept getting infested with hornets nests. I still had two cans left in my garage, and I figured if it would kill wasps from 20 feet away it should be able to do the trick with earwigs.

Armed with the wasp spray I cautiously entered my basement. I found the earwigs waiting for me in the doorway to the bathroom, and they appeared to be mocking me. They flicked soapy water off their antennae and made rude gestures with their pincers.

Laughing maniacally I removed the safety clips from my weapons of pest destruction and started my assault. I covered the vile insects with spray and started to enter the bathroom proper. Soon the bathtub, baseboards, floor and fixtures were all covered with spray and several more of the little beasties that had somehow avoided my water assault were writhing on the floor in their last death throes.

Soon the cans were empty and my foe was vanquished. As I retreated upstairs to get some air and wait for the fumes to dissipate I started to read the back of a wasp spray can, and noticed that this wasp spray was effective for quite some time after it was sprayed.

Hopefully sometime next week I’ll be able to go into my basement again.