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As I was lying in bed slipping in and out of consciousness my attention was suddenly grabbed by some strange noises coming from outside of my bedroom. It sounded like leaves rustling; only it was occasionally broken up by random thumps on the floor.

I expected that the noise would turn out to be the cat, and I wasn’t disappointed. I walked out into living room and found the cat on the basement stairway playing with a plastic grocery bag. I walked down the stairs to retrieve the bag so I could go back to sleep, and I noticed that there was a foul smell in the air. I turned on the lights and looked around the stairs, but I couldn’t find any explanation for what I was smelling.

That’s about the time I noticed the bag I was holding had some stains on it… dark stains that upon closer examination turned out to have a very strong odor. I was not amused. I tried to figure out where the cat would have gotten this bag, but my mind couldn’t come to terms with any of the possibilities.

I finally decided to just shrug it off, throw the bag out, and wash my hands. As I walked into the basement bathroom to wash my hands off I realized that the smell had not receded after I threw the bag away. If anything, the smell had only gotten stronger!

I walked around the basement trying to find source of the stench without much luck, until I entered the room containing the cats litter box. There, on the floor surrounding the box, were smudges and smears of cat shit in some sort of strange pattern. The cat had been painting on the floor, part of a wall, and the inside of its litter box with its own shit!

I turned around and began to flee from the room, but there was the cat! It was blocking my only escape route! It stared at me for a moment, as though expecting me to challenge it in combat.

…Then it moved out of the way and I went back upstairs.

Damned if I’m going to clean that up. It’s not my damn cat.

I wonder if this type of thing would qualify for N.E.A. sponsorship?