penismightier.com

Do you remember being in Junior High School, and getting apprehensive about showering after gym class?

No? Neither do I. I just went back to class smelling like a sweatsock and kept wondering why the girls wouldn’t talk to me. Still, I tended to change from gym clothes back to regular clothes as fast as possible.

Ah, my how things change. Teenage insecurities and confusion have long since passed, and been replaced with a whole new level of insecurities. These days I’m lucky if I remember to put on pants before I walk outside to let the dog out and grab the newspaper, but I worry about trash on my lawn and peeling paint. I fear that age 30 is sneaking up behind me, ready to strike at any moment with a sock full of nickels.

I can already see the news story now…

On Saturday a local man was found unconscious in his front yard, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of boxer-briefs. On the ground nearby police found a garbage bag, some crumpled fast food wrappers, a newspaper, and several nickels. The man was taken to the Hospital and is currently in stable condition.

The incident was reported to police at 2pm by a pair of Mormon missionaries, who report that they were not surprised to find the man sitting on his lawn in such a state. Further questions revealed that they believe the man kept nickels in his briefs so that he would appear physically aroused when they knocked on his door.

The local man’s wife would not stop laughing long enough to answer questions.

My lack of pants aside, nothing can make a person relive those teenage insecurities like children. Pure unfiltered evil lives inside each and every child, waiting for any excuse to rear its head under the guise of innocent questions and comments about their surroundings. Say what you will about children not having any shame, but I believe the timing is too calculated for it to be anything but evil.

For example… Imagine you’re the father of a two year old girl, and are going swimming at the YMCA.

You enter the locker room and set your daughter on a bench so you can change. She sits there, babbling about swimming, and behaving herself. Then, after you’ve removed your shirt and are leaning over to remove your socks, she reaches out and grabs your chest.

“Awww, she wants me to hold her!” You probably think.

Nope.

“BOOBIES!” she yells. “Boobies boobies boobies!”

Now the entire locker room is looking over at you. Your two year old girl is grabbing your chest and doesn’t have a volume switch. People have begun to point and laugh. Now what do you do?

Yeah, I dont know either. A friend of mine sure would like some advice though. I may even give him some once I find out what happened to my pants.