I’ve gotten a lot of email from readers and people on the forum over the last 8 years. Even after deleting the hatemail and the spam I still have a suprising amount left. The majority of these emails are quite old (for some reason people stopped emailing me for anything but tech support some time ago). Its weird. But I digress.
Hidden in these emails are stories. Stories about love lost, love found, requests to see my wiener, and sexual frustration. I’ve taken these stories (most of which were unpostable), melded them together
with some old chat logs, took out the requests to see my wiener, and put together a few scenarios that hopefully wont get recognized as the original story even by the person that emailed them.
If you do recognize your story and would like it removed… well why the fuck did you email to me? But anyway, send me a an email with the URL as the subject and I’ll make it go away.
Here is one. I’ll add more later, if I remember:
Imagine that you’re a geeky girl, and you’ve recently met a nice young man while at a Starbucks. You spark up a conversation with him about how the wireless connection doesn’t seem to be working, and he asks you out on a date. You’re flattered and find him attractive, so you say yes.
After several successful movie dates, you invite him to take a trip with you over the Christmas holiday, to visit your parents. He agrees, even though he’s going to end up sleeping on a couch. When he arrives at your parents house, he gets out of the car and immediately pulls out his Nintendo DS so he can pictochat you. Unfortunately you’re not carrying a DS so he has to resort to this ‘talking in person’ but he doesn’t have the security of a laptop or movie playing to help him out. He tries to imagine that talking in person is like the telephone, but he keeps realizing that he can see you and cant play games or take a dump at the same time.
After a day or two he starts to get the hang of this ‘conversation’ thing, and things get intimate. He keeps looking for a keyboard to type on so he can express just how great he is feeling. In fact, he keeps wanting to type “and then I put my wiener in your box” but cant figure out how to make it work without the keyboard.
Embarrassed and frustrated he feels emasculated. For some reason, getting emasculated turns him on… but he still cant express his true feelings without an emoticon. He wants to cry, but he left his MP3 player at home so he cant play depressing music to help him work up the tears.
So after a long and frustrating experience in which he was both the most turned on and the most out of sorts he had ever been he returns home. He spends three days furiously masturbating thinking about the experience and then realized that it had been a week since he had made any progress on his online games. You never hear from him again. Apparently your heart has been added to his hosts file.
I think we’ve all been there.