penismightier.com

There are some things you just should not say to a new mother. Over the last couple of weeks I have discovered what many of those things are from experience.

Me: So how is the fresh mother?
New Mother: Fresh what? huh?
Me: Oh… um. How is the new mother. Sorry, I’m not very good at this.

New Mother: The baby only ate once the first day, but the doctor said that was normal.
Me: Yeah, I guess babies can go their first 24 hours without eating if they have to. Thats why all those dumpster babies that get discovered manage to survive.
New Mother: You are never holding my baby again.

New Mother: The umbillical cord is drying up, and should fall off in the next few days.
Me: Ooh! Baby jerky!
New Mother: What the… No. Just… NO.

Me: How many years until its housetrained?
New Mother: You mean toilet trained? Also, its a SHE, not an it.
Me: Right. Well, do you just put some paper down, or what?
New Mother: You better be joking. You’re never babysitting.
Me: Mission accomplished!
New Mother: Oh, Just for that you’re babysitting all the time now.
Me: Damnit!
New Mother: Stop swearing in front of the baby!

I have money on her husband trying some of the “Baby Jerky”.