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We’ve all heard this one before…

The scenario is simple: A friend is about to do something that could be portrayed as dangerous. Depending on the person’s attitude, they either brag about the upcoming event or they request encouragement.
Then someone pipes in with the tired old joke… “If you die can I have your stereo?” (Replacing ‘stereo’ with the appropriate expensive possession when necessary).

It works best when the joke is ironic in nature… when it works at all. So as an example, you would say “If you die can I have your car?” before someone goes into a particularly foul-smelling bathroom, but NOT before they have open-heart surgery. It turns out that dark humor works better before trips to the bathroom than before having your chest split open.

Now that I’ve ruined any possibility of that joke ever being funny again (or to begin with) I’m going to spew out a slightly related (yet fractured) monologue about porn and death.

Today at work a few coworkers were standing outside my office discussing their lunch choices. They weren’t describing anything of note, and to tell the truth I can’t even remember what restaurants they were mentioning, since I was too busy pretending to listen to someone else on my phone. However, one bit managed to ebb its way into my brain: One of them, after hearing about the others lunch choice, said “If you die can I have your computer?”

Quite frankly the joke bombed harder than my open heart surgery joke above.

But the other man took it in stride like he was being fed lines from a comic straight-man. He had a come-back ready: “Well, you can have my computer but you’ll have to wait until my brother is done with it, because I’ve already promised him all the porn”.

I had to hit mute on my phone because I started to laugh.

Then my mind went on one of its little stream-of-consciousness expeditions and I began to wonder what would happen to my computer equipment when I died. I didn’t really have any fear (or care) of what happened to the hardware… more about what happened to the data on it. What if one of my parents were the next ones to access my old hard drives?

Now, my dad wouldn’t care and would probably just keep the drives for himself. However, he may be a little bit concerned about all that anime and granny porn (stored in that inconspicuous folder named ‘saved games’ of course). It’s my mother I tend to worry about. I can see her trying to set up one of my old computers so she can record a show off of HGTV and stumbling across that folder full of blowjob videos. In my worst version of this nightmare she actually likes them, and compiles them into one long 3 hour loop to play as my video eulogy.

The crowd goes wild.

Then I hear my name and realize that I still have the person on the other end of my phone on mute. I panic a little. For some reason I’m sweating and my left arm has shooting pain.

I very quickly dismiss the person on the other end of the phone and remotely connect to my home computers so I can scrub all the porn… and then I think better of it. After all, what about the future? My hard drive could serve as a time capsule for future generations! Just think of all the anthropological material that exists in digital form in all those videos, jpegs, and fan-fiction text files. Especially the fan-fiction text files.

I’m still not thinking clearly though. The most likely scenario is that my wife will throw my computers out, so whoever digs them from the trash wont realize who they’re getting all those slashfan fiction stories from. Then she’ll get married to some other guy that’s rich and has a nice car and has a bigger dick than I do and… um. Yeah.

You know what, when I die I’ll just request that my hard drives get turned into novelty clocks to honor my memory. Yeah. That should work. No porn, no trash, and no rich guy. No slash fiction.

Well, maybe a little slash fiction.

Problem solved.