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Yesterday I was drinking a pitcher of rum and coke with friends when a drunk woman approached us. I say she was drunk mostly because she approached us, and my friends tend to only attract drunk women. Anyway, she approached us and asked quite loudly (to no one in particular) “Hey, how the fuck do [...]

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A few months ago I raised the dog bed in my spare bedroom to the same level as the window. Ever since then the cats and the dog have been competing for space on the dog bed so they could sleep in the sun or stare at the neighbors. Apparently a compromise was finally reached [...]

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Dear whoever made that annoying Heineken commercial: Learn about volume. Seriously. I can have my television on ’3′ where I can barely hear voices on the screen as a murmur, but this damn commercial will make the neighbors ask me to keep it down when the actors all start their fucking screeching. See for yourself: [...]

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Top five things I didn’t want to hear/overhear over the last few nights: 1) “Maybe your wife cheated on you because your dick is too small, you fucking asshole!” 2) “Mandy, I figured now that you’ve graduated I should tell you that I’m not your biological father.” 3) “After she had her boobs cut off [...]

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I recently spent relaxing vacation in Northern Wisconsin. My days were filled with hiking, shopping, and floating down rivers in intertubes. My nights were spent recovering from sunburn and picking ticks off my body. Yes. Picking ticks off my body. Even though I was wearing pants and tick spray I was still subjected to dozens [...]

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