My grandfather turned 73 today, so I stopped by his house to visit him and drop off some RAM he needed to finish repairing one of his computers. Some of the family was there as well, also wishing him a happy birthday.
Of course, since a group of my aunts was present they began to pester me about reproducing. There was the regular shit about slipping it to the wife or forgetting contraception. But then it took a really strange turn…
Aunt: “You play so well with the kids, you need to at least adopt”
Aunt: “You know, Clem, you’re getting close to 30 now.”
Me: “I’m over 30″
Aunt: “Well Bridget is getting close to 30…”
Me: “Who is Bridget?”
Aunt: “You remember Bridget that I work with? She likes you and-
Me: “–You know I’m married, right?”
Aunt: “Well, Bridget has always said that if she hits 30 and still doesn’t have children she’d be willing to hook up with you.”
Me: “–Wait, what?”
Aunt: “She just needs someone that will be there financially, and you’re one of the few people we know that have had a regular job for…”
Me: “Wait, aren’t you out of work? How do you still work with Bridget?”
Then my mother joins in.
Mom: “So you’re saying that she needs a sugar daddy?”
Aunt: “It wouldn’t be like that it would be-
Me: “–Wait, you see I’m wearing a wedding ring, right?”
Aunt” “That hardly matters. She just needs someone to…”
Mom: “Sounds like a sugar daddy to me.”
Me: “Now hold on, I can only be sugar daddy to one woman at a time”
Aunt: “Wait, who else are you sugar daddy for?”
Then I left the room. Rumors should be flying for awhile.
I dont know what to think. My aunt is trying to get me to knock some friend of hers up like I was a sperm donor attached to a wallet. This was even more off-putting than being asked to bring sperm for Thanksgiving dinner. My comfort level at family functions is definitely a lot lower than it was a few months ago.
My God… does all of my family plan my sex life in their spare time?
I need a drink.
I need a few drinks.
Just leave the bottle.