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While watching television a few nights ago I started to hear what sounded like an animal in pain outside my living room window. At first I try to just tune it out by raising the television volume, but after about 20 minutes it becomes more insistent and I finally decide to go outside and see just what was making the noise.

I step out the door holding a flashlight and a baseball bat, and start to walk around my house looking for an injured raccoon or a cat in heat. Then I hear the noise again, but this time it sounds less like a feral creature… it almost sounds human.

“whoahoahoahoahoahoahoahoa”

I walk back to the front of my house and then out to the street, trying to ascertain the direction the noise is coming from.

“Whoahoa *gasp* fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck whoahoahoahoahoa”

Ok. That is definitely a human noise.

Finally I look towards the house at the end of the street. There is a single illuminated window in upstairs level of the house, and much of that window is currently blocked by a man and a woman. The woman has her head and breasts out of the window while a man behind her is having sex with her.

So here I am standing in the middle of the street holding a flashlight and a baseball bat, and I’m not wearing shoes or a shirt. Yet, for a fleeting moment, I’m not the strangest person in my neighborhood. While thinking about that, I realize that I should probably not continue to stand in the street, so I wipe the drool off my chin and head back inside to go to bed.

But there turns out to be a problem… the neighbor is loud enough that it keeps me from sleeping. I have no idea what type of drugs give people that much sexual stamina, but she keeps screaming out her window off and on for the next three hours, which makes sleeping difficult. About every 30 minutes or so they take a break, but even then they are loud, since they step outside to smoke a cigarette and yell obscenities at one another. I’m sure it would have been quite a show if I didn’t have to work early that morning.

Finally at about 3am the woman steps outside with her mother. They apparently wanted to have a private conversation, since they crossed the street into my yard and started to talk under my bedroom window. It seems that the reason this show was put on was for the benefit of the woman’s stepfather. The story went that he kept hitting on her, and her mother was ignoring it, so she decided to really make him mad by having wild sex with some asshole as loud as possible while he was trying to sleep.

Yeah. Ok. I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but I’m still confused as hell about how that was supposed to make the old pervert mad as opposed to making him jerk off furiously outside her door.

Anyway, the woman and her mother continue to chat for about 20 minutes while sharing cigarettes. By the end they were crying and hugging one another.

After this lovefest they all go back inside and there was glorious silence. I sleep like the dead for about two hours… but them I’m jolted awake by the sound of tires squealing as the woman’s fucktoy takes off in a rush, with her yelling insults and chasing after his truck.

While I’m on my way to work I only have one thought on my mind… how the fuck can she still walk?