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mutton chop suey

January 13th, 2009 by Clme · No Comments

While performing my after-shower rituals this evening I noticed something very, very disturbing in the mirror …besides my naked body.

There appeared to be two coarse, curly hairs growing out of my ear. Upon closer examination I found that their roots were based on my ear lobe, but the effect was disturbing. My ear was growing pubes. Not Isaac Asimov style ear pube/mutton chops, but full-on pubes on the ear lobe itself.

Suddenly images jumped into my mind of my grandfather decomposing on his recliner with fistfuls of hair growing out of his ears. Then suddenly my face was superimposed on that image, with fistfuls of ear-pubes instead of gray old-man hair.

Two minutes with tweezers eliminated the threat for now, but I know that the ear-pubes will be back. I have a feeling that this was a colonization party from the hair on my back.

My back hair has adopted its own manifest destiny, and vows to take over my entire body. It has slowly been climbing my shoulders and waging war with the hair on my chest. Its been moving south, clearcutting the forest of hair on my legs and replacing it with its own scraggly high-rises. The mountaintops of my ass are too cold and barren for the hair now, but it has found a valley where it has integrated with the natives, growing strong hybrids that will some day terraform the high altitude areas.

I have been conquered, and the hair on my head knows it. There are signs that some areas have begun to emigrate, leaving behind nothing but my scarred and dented pate. The fuckers are salting the earth as they go though, so even the ear pubes and back hair wont be able to move there in the future.

Such is my fate… I shall become a Sasquatch by the time I’m 50, except for my battle-scarred head. Some trick of my mutt-genetics has managed to combine all of the various undesirable hair features of my lineage into a single tidy package.

Thats all for now. I need to finish combing my knuckles before my hair dries.

Tags: philosophical