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Top five things I didn’t want to hear/overhear over the last few nights:

1) “Maybe your wife cheated on you because your dick is too small, you fucking asshole!”

2) “Mandy, I figured now that you’ve graduated I should tell you that I’m not your biological father.”

3) “After she had her boobs cut off they should have shown her how to stuff. She’s always got them stuffed lopsided.”

4) “I’m never letting you do me in the ass again. I had gas and the runs all day”

5) “Grandpa drank so much he shit his pants and soaked through his damn depends again”

I need to find different places to go out drinking. Especially when I’m drinking on my birthday. If one more asshole asked me if I feel older today I was going to punch them. Why the fuck would 364 days feel any younger than 365 days?

Do I feel older than ten years ago? Yes! Do I feel older than yesterday? Cockpunch!