Its time for masturbatory roleplaying! The game where I take other people’s stories (told in confidence) and spin them around so they’re even more embarrassing!
Imagine you’re a 15 year old boy. You’re living in the Midwest in 1991 with too much time on your hands. Good internet porn is years away, and your dogeared Penthouse magazine is getting so worn that you end up having to imagine the naughty bits.
Anyway… like others your age you also have an overactive masturbation habit. At some point you have decided that the best way to disguise this habit is by purchasing a video game console! Your logic on this decision goes like this: You dont like your parents pounding on your door telling you that you’re going to Hell. If you have a game console you figure they’ll pound on your door to tell you you’re rotting your brain instead! Much less embarrassing!
Regardless of your reasoning, you pick up a job delivering newspapers in order to save up enough money for a Super Nintendo Entertainment System. This thing is state of the fucking art man, it just came out this year!
Unfortunately the ‘real’ paper delivery jobs seem too hard and require you to get up at 5am every morning. Thankfully, salvation appears in the form of the Country Shop Weekly! Yes! This is a paper that comes out once a week and only old ladies actually look forward to getting. There is no news inside… instead it is full of auction notices, postings for semi-permanent garage sales, and the occasional coupon. Perfect!
But you soon realize the error of your ways. A paperboy only has to deliver to houses that subscribe to the paper… but the Country Shop Weekly boy has to place a copy of the paper in every single mailbox in the neighborhood. Its tedious and takes up half of a Saturday!
You are suddenly resentful about the time you are missing out on while you’re delivering all of these papers. So, as time goes one you start to deliver less and less of them. Finally, after about two months, you are only delivering to a few neighbors and a couple of cranky old ladies.
You’ve got it made. Only 10 papers to deliver and 190 to hide every weekend. Wait… 190 to hide? FUCK! OK. OK. No problem. You can deal with this. You just have to keep calm man… Right. Now, time to stash the papers.
You get rid of about 10 to 15 with every garbage bag you take out. You ‘pretend you were given too many’ and shove 20 in the trash as soon as they’re delivered. You line your sock drawer with papers. You hide them under your bed. You hide them in your closet. You get desperate and start to shove some under your mattress and behind your dresser.
Then… in the final act of laziness, you start to hide them in your father’s workshop. “He’s hardly ever in here” you think. “He’ll just think they’re old newspapers” you think. But believe it or not, your dad is smarter than that. After only a few weeks he notices the growing pile of Country Shop Weekly papers in his workshop and comes into your room to speak to you about it.
He sits on your bed and… Well. No lessons were learned. He made you quit your job, but he didn’t make you admit to fraud or give the money back. You still got your Nintendo and you still get an allowance.
In fact, your allowance money is enough to refresh your porn stash. Now, if only you can get the Senior that buys the magazines for you to stop picking up Playgirl…
On the bright side, he was set for double coupon days.
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