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Drinking with family members always brings out the best in them, doesn’t it?

Nothing quite fills you full of hope for the human race quite like letting someone tell you exactly what they’ve always thought was wrong with you. Nothing quite fills you full of hope like finding out your uncle lost his virginity at 9 years old and still keeps in touch with the girl in question. Nothing makes you love your fellow man like hearing about the stories some neurotic aunt has been making up and telling everyone on MySpace, and repeating to the point that her own husband cant remember which ones are true or not. Plus, when else are you going to hear that the family had bets on you being gay?

I’m glad I led a relatively sheltered childhood. If I had to hear about all this drama while I was growing up I would have started shooting people. Now I just have to resist the urge to maim them.

Mothers, always remember to be truthful to your children. Tell them about the world, sex, drugs, and selfishness before they learn it from their friends. However, please do not tell them about why weird uncle Harold is not allowed within 50 feet of a school, or why grandpa cant come over on laundry day. Let them have some innocence.