I like people-- S is always wonderful company, Tracie is always great cyber-company (god, I hate the word "cyber"), my sister can be good company when she's not in her moods, and my parents are OK company when they're not squabbling about something. I like my friends when I feel like liking them, but most of the time, more often than not, I like to be alone.

I like my own company. I can sit in my room for hours and organize stuff, trying on my sister's size 3s and hope that they fit, light candles around the house, listen to my obscure music without annoying anyone, and watch any movie I want without worrying about someone else being bored by it. I can lay on the big black couch in the living room and watch The View, sipping my Diet Coke, and smirk at the "Out Of Area" Caller ID calls that I refuse to answer. I like being alone. Does that make me antisocial?

My sister's friends drop by and I get all tense. They look over my shoulder when I'm on the computer ("What's THAT? What's a 'homepage' mean? Who are you talking to? Who's THAT? Can you download music? Can I check my AOL mail?"), they lounge on the bottom bunk asking me "if I've fucked yet". {Yeah, some things just SHOULDN'T be common knowlegde, but they are.)

And it's not that I don't like them...it's just that I always feel the need to entertain guests. I always feel the need to be "on" when there's a guest in my house, like I can't just do what I usually do and relax. Even when S is over, I can't just do normal things that I would usually do, like grab soda from the refrigerator, check my e-mail and watch Blind Date. I sit on the edge of the bed and offer him something to eat, something to drink, a movie to watch. I guess I don't need to be all hostess-y all the time, but I appreciate it when other people are when I go over their house and not act like they don't have guests.

Oh yeah...I said I'd mention j and J. I used to be best friends with j way back in 1993, and then J came into the picture and we all became best friends. Hell, even as I type this I see a silver-framed photo on my desk that says, "BEST FRIENDS" of me, j and J.

Well, what originally drew me to j was her quirkiness-- which is mostly the reason that's now pushing me away. She's this very pretty, very creative, very outspoken person who has...turned quite bitchy in the last few years. She's extremely high-maintanance, and I don't mean she's super-vain or anything. I mean, she requires more attention than other friends do. She gets bent out of shape if things don't go her way, and tends to alienate other people who she doesn't care to get along with. She's really a very good person, and I miss our friendship, but I've changed too ever since she came back to Florida. I've become way more outspoken and selective of friends, and I can't tolerate her like I used to. Maybe I've become meaner over the years, I don't know. I don't feel mean, but I do tend to be ragingly judgemental and less forgiving of other's faults, a trait I'm not sure how to work on.

Then there's J. I actually like J now more than I used to. He's really matured over the years, probably way more than I have. I guess what bugs me about J is his "secert" j obsession, nevermind that they both have significant others, and j is a total bitch to him, but then, j is a total bitch to everyone.

And then...there's all the sex stuff. Gosh. You don't know...the sexual escapades in my circle of friends. It's ridiculous. First of all, the only way I actually know any of this is because j wrote me this when she was still away. If it hadn't been for j, I would be clueless. Apparently, my other friends, who are a couple (Samantha and Nick) went to this sex club with J, C, j and her then-boyfriend, Alex. They pay a fee to wear towels or walk around naked and go in some room and fuck, orgy-style. Of course, they have the option of sticking with their own partners...but who knows? j told me she and Alex stayed together and went off alone, but she doesn't know what the four of them did.

I guess it's not so much the whole sex club issue that bothers me...but the fact that no one tells me jack shit. Ok, I'm a virgin. Fuck that. I'm not asexual, and I'm not prude, and it would be nice to be clued into these little outings.

Well...ok, the sex club issue does bother me a little, I admit. It just seems a little raunchy and deviant, I don't know. I guess I feel sex should be private...but maybe after having sex for years, you need new things.

Now, another thing. This group of people also go to girly strip clubs together. They do invite me, but I always decline because I hate strip clubs-- naked girls dancing erotically for dollars just makes me nervous. Mixing friends and sex makes me feel uneasy. I don't want to get off around my friends, that's what S's for. Oh...and one more thing. I don't know how I found this out, but j, C and Samantha are all bisexual now. I don't begrudge bisexuality, but HOW ABOUT TELLING ME? Why do I find out everything through other people?

Sometimes I just feel so left out.