January 8, 2001

It was one of those screaming matches that resulted in me leaving the car and walking home. Well, almost home. S parked on a corner, waiting for me.

I hate fighting, but it seems to be the nature of me, or the nature of our relationship. I get angry at everything. Everything, everything, everything. I'm going to do something drastic. Less caffeine.

But seriously. I know the oldest cliche in the book is "when you feel good about yourself, you react better and healthier to things" or something like that, but much better phrased. I know I feel great about everything after a workout, after a herbal-y shower, after a good grade, after my boss tells me I have the day off unexpectantly, after exchanging heartfelt apologies with someone. I remember telling M this, when she was pissed off at someone for no good reason. I said, "The only reason you're mad is because you're in a bad mood. You wouldn't have reacted so badly if you were feeling better about yourself at the time." Much to my surprise, she thanked me for the advice a few days later, telling me that I was right, that her moods dictated how she reacted to things.

I was trying to get all zen-ish this afternoon, sitting outside for a little while, looking over the golf course, the trees, any hint of nature not obscured by condos. I was trying to do that thing I saw Jaime do on The Real World New Orleans, when he sat for one whole minute, not thinking or talking, but just *being* and observing nature. It really is hard, because the second you start to relax, your mind starts to cloud up with thoughts, worries, you name it. It still felt good to be outside though, since I'm often cooped up in my room. I'm not a nature girl whatsoever, but I think I need to become one, at least a little bit, for my mental health.

I need to relax.