Comfortable With Conformity

January 15, 2001

I'm happy, but I'm worried. I'm worried about getting a job and about graduating without any red tape. I have to, HAVE TO, HAVE TO register to graduate by January 20th, and I've been putting it off because I just haven't been on campus, but I'm going to do it tommorow. Then sometime soon I have to go to my high school and get a transcript to prove I took at least two consecutive years of a foreign language. Going back to NMB...that's some scary stuff. I *attempted* to get my transcript a month ago, but I was snubbed by the secretary, who told me they only give transcripts before noon. Funny, I don't wake before noon, but whatever. I felt weird as hell in the old school, very conscious of myself, my clothes, my demeanor. I "felt" like an adult for once in my life. I remember I was wearing a stretchy, sleeveless black top and khaki pants with a belt, looking extremely white and conservative compared to the oversized FUBU jerseys and JNCO (or whatever they're called) jeans parading the hallways.

I just applied for a Creative Intern position at a company called Brand Institute. I'm trying to familarize myself with the company by persusing their website, but their website is really unorganized and doesn't tell me much, and all I can get from it is that they name stuff for other companies-- they come up with brand names. I hope they call me...and part of me hopes they don't. I don't speak well under pressure. I'm a horrible bullshitter, I take too many nervous pauses, and I sound so...stupid. Interviews in general are just awful things. I should just make a career out of selling my used panties on ebay. Christ.

In other news...I've been enjoying myself with S a lot, I think mostly because I've been making a huge effort to avoid picking a fight. Girls are notorious for picking fights when they're feeling annoyed. Like, I'll say, "Why do you always have to ______?" or "I hate it when you ____!" whereas guys will let most things go. I'm learning, though. I'm learning how to let things go-- how to determine what's worth getting riled up about, and what's better off left unsaid. Having said that...

I spent some time with Nick, Samantha and Nick's brother, Mark the other night at dinner. Usually I have a lot of fun with them, but sometimes, and especially the other night, I just feel so bullied by Nick and Mark. I get the impression that they invite me along sometimes just to have a mutual target to poke fun at. The worst part is, whenever I show a *hint* of annoyance, they all gang up on me, like how DARE I take anything personally. They condescend me and attempt to soothe me by saying, "You know we love you" or "Aw, we're just playin'". I don't mean to over-analyze everything to death, but at this rate...I will have no friends left. Period.

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