Comfortable With Conformity

January 22, 2001

If I'm truly depressed again, it must come in spurts, or else I was just having a bad couple of days. I can't handle boredom well-- it makes me panicky, it forces to me think, "Ok, what next?" I envy high school kids, or starting-out college students, who have a million things on their mind day after day, never having the chance for true boredom to set in. High school students are force-fed a life--six subjects, after-school clubs, household chores, whathaveyou. Us post-college students, looking aimlessly for entry-level positions, have no life, really. Take today for example.

I woke up at noon, and it doesn't matter to anyone. I'm not missing school, because I have class at 7:50 pm Mondays. I'm not missing work (my part-time tutoring job), because I only work on Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and occasionally Sundays. I don't have a husband and I don't have kids, so what good am I?

I workout everyday, never skipping a day, to achieve *some* sense of accomplishment. Well, I work out for other reasons, too, but having that daily one hour workout forces me to get the hell out of bed. I earn some money making ebay auctions for my parents, but that's just computer time for me, so it doesn't really feel like I'm doing anything substantial.

Pretty soon I'm going to hire one of those headhunters to get me a job. For some reason, the idea makes me nervous, but what doesn't make me nervous? New things always frighten the hell out of me. I'm not a go-with-the-flow kinda person at all-- everything's a mission with me, everything's an Immodium AD adventure with my nerves.

But whatever-- I'm bored, not clinically depressed. I need to work in some tiny cubicle for a while, doing work that's mindless but easy, earning at least thirty-five K, getting a 401K and insurance plan and all that. Then I'll come home, mentally fatigued but not sleepy, eat everything in sight, work out, then check the forum to see who thinks Angelina Jolie is hot or not.

That's my plan.

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