January 23, 2001

Today was one of those days that started off well but ended up lousy.

I really am confused--I'm confused with myself, I'm confused with how I'm viewed as a girlfriend. I already know what my parents think of me--smart, creative, funny, stubborn. I know what my sister thinks of me-- obnoxious, annoying, quirky. I know what my friends think of me-- funny, a little airhead-y, occasionally smart, a little prudeish. But sometimes I "see" myself as a nagging girlfriend, and while I hate that, I feel justified in what I do.

Today S and I had plans. S has a very heavy scheduele-- between working full time and the band, we spend as much as two days a week together, sometimes not even that much. So, we had plans for the afternoon because at night is his mom's birthday dinner.

Anyway, S had to go to the office in the morning, and he told me he would be at my house between one and three pm. When he wasn't at my house at five, I got frantic. I always assume if someone doesn't call, something's wrong. Boys, however, have this habit of claiming, "I COULDN'T GET TO A PHONE". That is bullshit, and no one can make me believe that.

I take plans very fucking seriously. I am not late for anything, ever. However, lateness doesn't bother me, but not calling when you're three hours late does. S called me casually after five, saying he was on his way, to which I said, "Don't bother", but he came anyway, and we fought, and he went home.

I try to see this situation from a guy's point of view, and I see this bitchy, high-maintenance, naggy girlfriend. Why can't I just be one of the guys and let things go? Guys always let things go...or, at least S does. S doesn't remember every single detail of every fight and bring it up again like I do. S doesn't get outrageously infuriated with me if I'm late and don't call.

But, fuck it. I can't be that way. More on this later.