February 5, 2001

Two entries in one day-- obviously I'm home and bored.

I tried so hard today to be "awake". I have this constant nagging tiredness/headache, kinda hard to explain. It's a very bloated, heavy pressure in my head, in the back of my eyes, making me lethargic and grumpy. But no, I didn't wake up and sit around all day. I actually worked out, showered, had lunch-- and promptly fell into bed, telling my sister to take notes for me in class tonight, cause there was no way I was gonna make it.

I hate being so useless.

S thinks all the fatty eating I've been doing last week has something to do with it, and he's probably right. It seemed like night after night I was whisked off to Carluccis for pasta or the Argentine restaurant for skirt steak and flan. Bad food, bad, bad, bad food. Now I'm getting hungry.

This whole sick slump I've been in has taught me how quickly my moods change, how differently I see things depending on my outlook. Simple but complicated as hell. The fatter I feel, more lethargic I am, and the more I don't care of myself, the more I argue with people (mostly S), the more I get jealous of petty things, and the more negative I am about everything. It makes me think that, "Oh, that's the reason those thin, tan pretty girls are always so carefree and positive and easy-going and good natured all the time-- because they're happy with themselves."

Ok, I know I'm being overly simplistic, but that's kinda how I view things. Girls who look good (not necessarily gorgeous, just athletic and happy with their bodies) seem to be happier, less awkward, and easy-going.

I don't like being a complain-y, fat-conscious, difficult girl. I've been trying to change this behavior. I'm trying to become an athlete.

I find athletic girls the most relaxed, intelligent, happiest people on earth. They're people who don't sit around, complaining about their fatty thighs and criticizing pretty, thin girls on TV. They're happy with themselves, dammit, and they don't feel the need to bitch about other people. Ugh. I'm such a dumb bitch. ;)

My plan this year-- become a better jogger, get a fucking job. The end.