Comfortable With Conformity

February 7, 2001

Whoa--new Diaryland upload interface. Nice!

I tend to submit my diaries without reading them over, and then when I read them, they read like gibberish, at least to me. I think this is partly because I am an airhead, and partly because my sister is always lolling around on the bed, watching TV, and I want to hurry up, submit the entry, and click "clear history" on my browser so that her or her sneaky friends don't happen upon "girlystuff"-- not that I've said anything horrible about her...but I would hate her to find my silly thoughts in a journal format on the internet-- she would laugh her ass off.

I confessed to S that I felt annoyed that our male friends found his cousin so attractive. At first, I thought it was typical jealousy, but it was more than that-- I was annoyed because she's so fucking thin...thinner than Sarah Michelle Gellar, Heather Graham, Calista Flockhart...thinner than any thin celebrity you can think of. She's a nice girl, and certainly cute, but to me, her emaciated body and gaunt face superseded anything else. I guess I was...annoyed that she was being "rewarded" for her obviously unhealthy body type. It just felt like a slap in the face, after the hard work I put into my body, trying to lose weight without starving myself, trying to be healthy, not skinny. I think I'm over it now, though. Well, maybe I'm not over it, but I definitely understand my annoyance now.

The advent of possibly working full-time soon scares the hell out of me. That's 40 hours of my week devoted to an office job...oh my. I'm not saying I'm taking this job tommorow at the New Times...hell, I'm not even saying I'm being offered this job at the New Times, but I definitely have concerns about such a major life change. I'm especially concerned about my current boss, whom I work for 3 days a week, tutoring her son. The last thing I want to do is leave her high and dry...but who knows about these jobs? I think I'm gonna hint at it today, say something like, "Are you considering hiring another tutor-- because I'm looking into working full time in my field." She knows I've been toying around with a getting full-time job, but I don't think she's been actively looking for another tutor to replace me. I know, I shouldn't worry so much, but it's my weird way of preparing.

You'll know what happens as soon as I do.

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