Comfortable With Conformity


April 12th

I am not feeling well at all. I wish it was a raging migraine, a backache, anything that I could put a name on. It's a nagging, on and off pain in my groin area, and it's been bothering me for about four days.

Now, it goes without saying among my family and friends (and ESPECIALLY S) that I am very, very sensitive to anything having to do with my vagina, my groin, my stomach or anything close by. I hate when people poke me in my stomach, but more than hate it-- I cringe and push them away and get a weak feeling in my knees and pit of my gut. I even had a long, serious talk with Nick about he is NOT to EVER poke me in the stomach again, and I don't care if I sounded like a crazed hypersensitive bitch-- he doesn't do it anymore.

Why this pain bothers me so much is that it's so fucking close to my vagina. This is the part of my body that hurts when I have PMS. I usually get a bloated feeling in my groin for a little while, then it goes away. When I have PMS, it doesn't bother me because I know the cause of it. But I don't have PMS, and I have no idea what's causing this pain.

I had a long talk with S over the phone about this, and ended up crying so hard and furiously I gave myself a headache. He suggested going to the doctor, which of course was in the back of my mind. But it's the kind of doctor we were both thinking about that made me cry. You know what I'm talking about. The big G. The doctor I'm so afraid of, I'd sooner kill myself. I'm serious. Kill. Myself. I'm afraid of job interviews, but I'll go to them. I'm afraid of the eye doctor, but I'll endure it. I'm afraid of roller coasters with massive drops, but if I HAVE to for SOME reason, I'D DO IT. But the gynecologist? When I can't even put a tampon inside of my body? The entire office would close down-- several nurses would have to accompany the doctor and hold me down, the doctor would force a valium down my throat. You think you know nervous? You've never met me.

Anyhow, S and I were trying to troubleshoot my pain. Sunday night, I had some salsa. That's an understatement-- I had about 1/4 of the jar with tortilla chips. Later that night, I got the most massive heartburn of my life. I was half-sitting, half-lying down on the couch watching TV, and when I sat up, I was doubled-over in pain. I felt the familiar stabs of impending heartburn, like electricity crackling in my chest. I took a Pepcid AC and had some dinner, but the heartburn changed into acid reflux and I felt miserable the rest of the night. I couldn't lay down and I couldn't stand up-- I could only sit. S and I stopped by a Walgreens and he bought me some Gaviscon. I took dosages of Gaviscon for a day and a half, as long the acidy feeling lasted. Finally, it went away-- and that's when I noticed the pain in my groin area.

So, I'm thinking the two incidents are related. In fact, I'm hoping they're related. I've also been constipated, which doesn't make me feel any better, but could be the cause of the pain. I just don't know, which scares me. I took some Milk of Magnesia and have drank about 2 liters of water today to clean myself far I haven't felt any better.

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