Comfortable With Conformity


April 20th

I'm heavily drugged right now. I took a Xanax at noon, and another at 7 pm. Xanax is a sedative for panic attacks, like the panic attack I had last weekend. I was going to go into this, but I can't right now-- I'm too tired. But it does have something to do with my last entry. Well, maybe I'll go into it a little bit.

I am not a well person. I won't let a doctor examine me, period. I'm not saying that in a defiant way, like "I won't be examined, even if it IS for my own good, so there!" I'm saying it plainly and matter of factly. I have a pain that comes and goes in my uterus area. It could be a stomach problem, I don't know. I don't know, because I can't be examined. S took me to the emergency room on Saturday, and when the nurse asked me lie down and touch my lower stomach area, I pushed her away. I have such an aversion to being handled from my stomach down to my vagina, that I cannot even begin to explain it. S cannot even do something like unzip my jeans and take them off me-- I always push his hand away and do it myself. It's instinctual. Sometimes friends will grab me from behind with their fingers around my hip bones, and I immediately push them off me. I have "off-limits" areas on my body, and I don't know why.

I am seeing a school pyschologist until I can go to this private service that offers a pyschiatrist for a price I can afford. I have no insurance. Right now, I see a pyschologist at school twice a week. She is trying to help me understand 1) why I got into such a panic this last weekend over the pain, and 2) why I refuse to be touched in certain places. This is very, very difficult to solve.

I've been on the Xanax since Monday, and I've been feeling great-- very relaxed, able to sleep, eat, do everything normally. But I got the pains again. See, the pains went away when I began taking the Xanax, but I don't know if the two events are related. Before I was taking the medicine, and i was getting the pains, I had a 4 day long panic attack.

I stopped eating, and I couldn't fall asleep without taking several sleeping pills. I was constipated. I was so tense, anticipating the pain, that my entire body ached. My voice came in shaky, tearful shudders. My right leg hurt so much I had to drag it behind me like it was broken. My panties felt like they were cutting off my circulation-- that's how tense I was. Whenever I tried to breathe deeply and release the tension for a minute, the whole area around my vagina would tingle uncomfortably. I cried so much I couldn't cry anymore, and when I did manage to get some tears out, they didn't offer me any comfort. I contemplated suicide. Not seriously-- I just kept thinking, "I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I wish I wasn't a woman. I wish this wasn't my body. I wish this was all a nightmare." I have never hated myself as much as I did that last weekend.

Anyway, like I said, I've been feeling better this week, more in control and relaxed, actually smiling, laughing, giving a blow job to S after three weeks of nothing, wearing makeup and doing my hair as usual, arguing with my sister as usual-- and then the pain started up again. I panicked. I was scared and furious at the same time. Was I going to be up all night again, tucked in a fetal position, with the blanket wedged between my legs and vaginal area for protection? Was I going to have to take four sleeping pills to get two hours of sleep? Was my voice going to go back to desperate, teary little puffs? Was I going to feel suicidal again?

My mom tried to calm me down. She's been so great through all this, I really have to give her that. She kept insisting I had to deal with the pain when it came, to stop anticipating it so much, to relax. I panicked anyhow, claiming how it is impossible to relax your body when a pain enters your vaginal region unexpectantly, especially when you're hyper-sensitive about that area in the first place.

I took a Xanax, five hours before scheduele, and went grocery shopping with her. After about 30 minutes, the pill started to calm me down. I'm extremely tired. The pain comes and goes. It scares the hell out of me. I want to be back to normal so badly. I want this pain to go away, I want to be able to be examined and not give a shit, like every other normal girl I know. But right now, I really need to go, because I'm so tired.

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