May 30th

Wednesday

My life consists of eating candy bars and Nutragrain bars, drinking green Gatorade, watching Blind Date and waiting for it to be 11:00 pm so I can take my medicine that puts me to sleep (7.5 mg of Zyprexa) and finally end the day.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, although it seems like I write pathetic, sad entries lately. My life has really improved from where I was months ago, as well as weeks ago, and even a week ago.

Months ago I was scared cause I had a groin pain. I was scared because the pain wasn't going away and it meant facing a doctor. Oh my god, that scared the hell out of me. Now, I'm over that fear. That, in itself, is a huge step. The pain, I'm guessing, has to do more with my bowels than my vagina. The pain seems to come whenever I have to go to the bathroom, or when I have to go but can't quite go yet. Besides, I've had urine taken four times, had blood taken three times, had a doctor feel the outside of my groin area throroughly, had an EKG, a cat scan and a gastrointestinal doctor check my stomach, so I can rule out most things. These are things they do to you at the mental hospital. They wanted to rule out all real illnesses to make sure I was nuts.

And here's something eerie: On my second day at the hospital, when I fell into a deep sleep, I woke up with my legs bent in a weird and unnatural way-- wide open, outer thighs on the bed with my heels touching. After a few minutes, I started having severe pains in my semi-consciousness. First, terrible pains on one side of my labia, then the other. The pain started to spread up my vagina, to my groin, and finally stopped at my stomach. I whimpered, "Ugh," and a nurse came out of nowhere and asked to take my blood pressure. The pain disappeared when she'd called my name and had my attention. She said, "Do you remember someone taking off your wrist band?" I looked at my left wrist. My wrist band was gone. I don't sleep that deep. From that point on, I was, and am, convinced that they had a gynecologist work on me and pop my hymen. I also found blood on the back of my upper thigh. What the fuck?! And now, my vagina seems more open. When I shower, and spread my legs, I can "feel" it open easier, wider than before.

Everyone, my pyschiatrist, therapist and parents included, swear on their life that they didn't do anything to me while I was asleep. Isn't that spooky?