June 10th

Sunday

I was a bad girl last night: Baked Ziti and garlic bread at The Luv'n Oven plus a pig-out fest at S's house afterward with Samantha, complete with Cheetos, Andes Candies, Cadbury bars, Combos and chocolate-covered preztels. The saving grace is I didn't drink soda, just Dasani water all night.

S and I are at a crossroads. We love each other, we're still seeing each other, but we're both, particulary me, in the middle of some major life changes. For him, it's the newness of renting his own apartment, running his own technical school, and being his own person with tremendous responsiblites for the first time in his life. For me, it's self-discovery; realizing that my old way of behavior was destructive, changing my bad habits and becoming a stronger person. Therefore, our relationship is in a stalled state, waiting for us to be who we going to become. The truth is, we both don't know how things are going to turn out. It's scary. The same person whom I've shared three and a half years with seems like a stranger to me sometimes. Still, I love him and I hope things work out in a healthy way for both of us, but I need to concentrate on me right now, and he needs to concentrate on him.

Samantha was acting all silly last night. I hate when she pulls that silly routine. I don't know how Nick puts up with it. She gets all goofy and says things like, "Should we get CHEE-tos? I want CHEE-tos" in this little baby voice. She giggles and touches me and thinks she's being cute when she's really being annoying. I held my tongue, just nodding whenever she cooed in my face and said, "We need to go to WAL-greens". That girl has problems.

I'm becoming spiritual. I wonder if this happens to a lot of people after a nervous breakdown. I'm guessing it's extremely common, although I've heard a lot of people become born-agains. When I'm on my floor mat, stretching my body to it's limit, I feel a powerful feeling of calmness, of a connection with nature. I feel the need to spend time at the ocean at night, watching the waves crash, or something outdoorsy like taking a walk through Alice Wainwright Park. I know it's a little kooky, a little granola-ish, but I'm not gonna start wearing tie-dye, Birkenstocks and dread-locking my hair. I think it's totally possibly to feel spirutal and a connection with nature and wear Donna Karen.