June 20th

Wednesday Night

I have become very aware of the way my body works. For instance, now that I drink 8 glasses of water a day, I notice how much easier is to go to the bathroom (I hate saying, "shit", or "having a bowel movement"). I'm aware of how my body digests food, how exercise increases the speed and ease of digestion. I'm aware of how certain music or circumstances make me feel like I have to go to the bathroom, while other stimulii relax me. It's really amazing. I think I am much more in tune to these things because of what happened to me. When I was sick, I had to rely on these instincts to guide me through the day. Being sick was like being an animal, only relying on instincts and gut-feelings. I would never get thirsty, but my mouth would dry up, indicating that I was dehydrated. I remember muttering inside my head, "Need drink. Need drink." And I would drink. It wouldn't matter what I would drink, just something liquid, anything nearby would do. I wouldn't "get hungry", but I would get an emptiness inside my stomach and I would think, "Need food. Need food." Once again, anything edible I saw, I would consume. I would consume only enough to get rid of the empty feeling. Then, I would get a pressure in my bladder and I would think, "Need to urinate. Find bathroom. Go now." It was incredible. For a short time, I became animalistic. I didn't think-- I acted. I did what needed to be done, and I didn't question or second guess myself. You know we all have things we need to do, like shower. But we deliberate because we're watching TV, or chatting on the phone. We put off things we need to do all the time, it's normal. But when I was sick, I wouldn't shower until I needed to-- that is, until I felt dirty and absolutely needed to cleanse myself.

I find it very hard to draw myself away from this mechanic, animal-like behavior. I am not an animal, I am a human being with thoughts and emotions. Balancing the two has become very challenging, as I'm noticing how helpful the animal nature is. I think I understand S's behavior a little better now.