July 6th

I tried to stick a tampon in. I lubed myself with a little KY, then crouched over the toilet seat with a Tampax Gentle Glide in my right hand and a compact mirror in my left. Wincing, I felt for the slit and slid it in about half an inch. I couldn't go anymore. There was a wall, a resistence. I'm sure it's my own muscles, not allowing the tampon to penetrate, and I'm sure I'm controlling it, but I don't know how to allow my muscles to relax. I'm going to try this a few more times, and if I can't get a simple tampon up there, I think I'm gonna make an appointment with a sex therapist. Maybe I need one of those things that helps stretch your vagina. I really am trying. When I push it in, it stings a little. It's a weird, foreign feeling. My vagina feels a little sore now, but not hurt. It feels used. I'm proud of myself for trying, and for actually looking at my vagina. Ever since I've been shaving it regulary, I think it looks nice. But the inner lips...I think that's what they are, I get confused...are wrinkly and ugly looking. I guess they're supposed to look like that. It's kind of gross. Sometimes, depending on how I wear my underwear, the lips are off to one side. I guess the vagina is really fascinating, and I should start getting acquainted with it and treat it like a normal part of my body, like my mouth. I bought the book, Our Bodies, Ourselves, per my therapist's orders. It's an interesting book, although I admit I still get weak in the knees when I read words like vulva and cervix. This book even encouraged buying your own plastic speculum for $2 through mail and inserting it inside yourself and feeling your cervix. What!?