July 20th

Friday

I've got a dilemma. I might be offered this teaching job, but if I do get it, I don't know whether to take it or not. The thing is, I really don't want it. But as I was working out a little while ago, it suddenly struck me how blah each day is. I hate waking up late, downing Excedrins for energy, eating cereal, working out, watching TV. Enough is enough. S is always busy. Everytime I talk to him, he's doing something important. I do shit. So, if I get offered this job, I might just take it. But I go back and forth about this. Any advice would be appreciated.

S showed me three sets of pushups, specifically designed to tone the triceps and build up the chest. I cannot do one pushup-- can you? I can't do it. I can get in the pushup position, but I cannot lower myself all the way down. I hate my arms. My triceps are big and they jiggle. They make my upper body look fat.

Speaking of fat, last time I checked I weighed 138 and a half pounds. What is going on here? I am so furious that getting mentally ill and all that caused my weight to go up. I worked so fucking hard getting down to a size 5, and now I can't fit into any of my old jeans. It's very discouraging. I used to flaunt my body in my body in my tight little clothes in March, now I'm back to wearing sweatpants and T-shirts. It's not fair.