July 28th

The wee hours of Saturday morning

I feel like I need to embrace these rare hours with my sister our of the house. It's a shame most of this time will be spent asleep. I'm willing myself to stay up and appreciate my alone-ness.

I crave privacy, more than anyone I know. I have trouble watching TV with other people around. Seriously. I actually get uncomfortable when commericals come on and other people are around-- I feel like, I don't know where to look. I feel awkward staring at a screen blasting an advertisement at me, I feel like I should look away or make conversation. This is why I prefer to watch TV alone.

This is why I need to live alone. I can't think of anything more peaceful than my own apartment. S's apartment has absolutely NO character. It's a cute place, and he finally has cable, but it's bare bones-- bed, couch, TV, computer, some movie posters. It's a guy's place. No flowers, no row of candles burning on the window sill, no cushy throw pillows with tassles on them, no furry rug to tickle your feet. And the refrigerator is ghastly: Tomato sauce and Coronas. Such a guy place.

It's 1:16 am and I'm not tired. The TV is on Home Shopping, for no particular reason except that I kinda enjoy it, and everyone's asleep. I'm wearing S's Redrum T-shirt and Old Navy shorts with a blue stripe on the side. I look young. My therapist said I could pass for 16, and she's probably right. I have the facial characteristics of a teenager-- glasses, crooked teeth and a little bit of acne. Ugh. Acne. I had beautiful skin until I turned 21. But that's another story. Not that I have ugly, scarred skin now. I have no scars, cause I never pick at my face. But the right lower side of my face has these little bumps that never go away. I use Proactiv, that stuff Judith Light hawks on informercials. I've been using it for more than 3 years. I guess you could say it works, but it doesn't cure acne. I still get acne. :(

I'm setting my alarm clock for 9 am. No, I really am. I'm waking up in the morning this time. And I'm working out. And maybe...I'll buy some new bike shorts.