*insert excuse for not posting for a few months here*

*insert a link or something here*

*Insert a plea to click on the ‘board’ link above*

*steal image macro from 4chan*

*profit*

Him: “Whats that?” Me: “The cruise control” Him: “What? That cant be. This is a stick shift” Me: “No… really… its the cruise control” Him: “Dude. I’m not dumb. You cant have cruise in a stick shift.” Me: “Uh… but its there. Look, I hit the button and the cruise light comes on in the dashboard” Him: “No way. You cant have cruise in a stickshift. It wouldn’t work” Me: “Ok. You got me. Its the turbo button.” Him: “Oh! Cool!”

Deep down that guy only listens to what he wants to hear.

Then came the sites that started counting down until they were 21. The idea behind those was that you’d be able to get them drunk, and then fuck them or get them to star in porn.

Well, now that time has passed. So whats left? Well, its time for the countdown until they retire! Then they can star in fetish granny porn, and you’ll be able to sneak into their nursing home and sniff their depends!

Oh yeah. I can hardly wait.

YOU HEAR THAT WORLD? I ADMIT IT! I AM MADE OF FAIL!

If you would like to tell me just how much you think I fail, please email pictures of your sister to Clme AT Penismightier.com. Fix the address first, spam harvesters.

On a related note, here is a clip that was brought to my attention by a gentleman named staringgoldfish, via livejournal. Thank you.

luv suzy.

Gonzales lived most of his early life in Texas, being raised in a Catholic household. There is some controversy over the legal citizen status of his grandparents, and it it widely believed that they entered this country illegally. His father worked in construction until his death in 1982. Gonzales’s four year career in the military (Air Force) is well documented and his attendance has been verified. After his time in the military he went on to get a BS in Political Science from Rice University (Texas) and a Law Degree from Harvard. He’s been married twice and has three kids, all with his second wife. Gonzales first became involved with (then Governor) Bush back in 1994. At the time he was a Partner of the very successful law practice Vinson and Elkins.

Vinson and Elkins is a successful INTERNATIONAL firm, with law offices in many international cities… including Dubai (UAE) and Beijing (China). V&E has represented many high profile clients, including Enron. However, I must stress that I am not in any way implying that Mr. Gonzales had any personal responsibility for any of the actions in the Enron cases or with any other clients that V&E may have represented. Nor am I implying that V&E has any issues with ethical scruples. Mr. Gonzales did, after all, leave the company in 1994, an V&E had nothing to do with Enron’s internal administration. But, you know, keep in mind that this firm thought Gonzales was partner material. By the way, eod, if this article gets you sued again I apologize, again.

Gonzales quickly moved up the ranks in Governor Bush’s adminstration. The first move was from General Counsel to Secretary of State when Bush appointed him in 1999. One of the duties of the Secretary of State of Texas is to maintain public records on Texas Corporations, banking transactions, legislative mandates, and many other public organizations. As Secretary of State he was also the Chief Election Officer of Texas. The Chief Election Officer assists county officials and ensures uniform application of election laws throughout the state. He is also keeper of the ‘Seal of Texas’ which is required to be affixed on official documents, such as pardons. (The seal didn’t see much use, in my opinion). After that short period as Secretary of State he was appointed to the Texas Supreme Court in January 1999, where he remained until until December of 2000. At that time he was appointed as White House Counsel to President George Bush. In addition to awards and for his community service, he was awarded the Presidential Citation from the Texas State Bar in 1997. In 1999 he was named Latino Lawyer of the year by the Hispanic National Bar Association. In 2005 the HNBA released a public press release urging the congress to push through Gonzales’s appointment as Attorney General. The list of controversies arising from his actions while in various offices of Texas are quite long and varied. It includes the Bush Drunk Driving jury-duty scandal, and several questions involving allegedly ignored appeals for clemency or pardon. Ironically his reasoning for excusing the Governor from jury-duty was because the Governor may be called upon to pardon the accused. In November, 2001 Gonzales drafted an Executive Order that attempted to place limits on the Freedom of Information act. It has been alleged (by me) that this limit was being attempted to prevent access to President Clintons and President George H.W. Bush’s records on Iraq and Al Quaeda. It was also near this time that Gonzales started to interpret the Constitution AND the Geneva Convention in rather original ways; recommending that Habeas Corpus, human rights provisions, and definitions of ‘inhumane treatment’ did not apply to alleged Al Qaeda members or Taliban members. During later confirmation hearings for his Attorney General appointment he claimed not to recall or agree with any of these recommendations. Since then he has also been accused of being directly involved in handing over alleged combatants to be deported to nations that allowed torture in order to extract information. He was able to delay or prevent any investigations into the Cheney Energy Task Force, which was conducting its meetings (and giving its recommendations) in secrecy. Here is where the time line gets blurry and I have trouble following along. His involvement in Illegal Wire Tapping, Patriot Act misuse, additional revocations of Habeas Corpus, Attorney Firings, and the harassment of a very sick man (John Ashcroft) are seemingly spread out over the course of several years. Sometime in the middle of all that he was confirmed as Attorney General, and sometime between swearing in and being called to testify before congress he seemed to get a horrible case of selective amnesia.

Somehow he has managed to avoid impeachment. One only hopes he is not still on the list of possible Supreme Court nominees. His selective amnesia is surpassed only by that of the great Karl Rove, or perhaps Dick Cheney. Here is a Random Quote from Mr. Gonzales: You have a special obligation to protect America against future acts of terrorism. We will continue to make that our top priority while remaining consistent with our values and legal obligations. That will be the lodestar that guides us in our efforts at the Department. Hmm. I wonder what that means by values. Plus, whats a lodestar?

Lodestar: A term used in connection with an award of attorneys fees made by the court which is based on time spent on the case and an hourly fee. In some instances the “Lodestar” may be adjusted according to circumstances underlying the services performed.

Huh.

Mike is a former Governor of Nebraska, and has also been a mayor and member of city and county councils. He has a strong Catholic background and spent his formative years on his parents dairy farm. Johanns has the dubious honor of being the first recipient of the “Burning Times” award during his tenure as Governor. He received this award for his support of the controversial “March for Jesus Day” and for declaring June 19th, 1999 as “Back to the Bible Day” in Nebraska. When asked if he would support similar legislation for the Wicca community Johanns replied “What is Wicca?” allegedly followed by “Something that I personally disagree with, I’m not going to sign it.” This is also the same reason he has given for refusing to sign anything that could be seen as endorsing the gay and lesbian community in Nebraska. Johanns carpools to work each morning with his wife, Stephanie. Stephanie works in the telecommunications industry, and also handles all of her husbands email for him. He doesn’t have a checking account, so any of his weekly purchases are done in case. He is honestly excited by his work, and has even been found to describe coming across the USDA food pyramid on a box of cereal as ‘cool’. He is a proponent for technology and science in the Ag industry (such as food tracking and labelling), but publicly denounces many changes (such as food tracking and labelling) if he believes they’ll hurt the little farmer. Unfortunately for Johanns this apparent paradox has resulted in no small amount of criticism following outbreaks of food borne illness over the last several years.

Thats about all there is to say about this gentleman’s past. He has strictly conservative and devout viewpoints but he seems to practice what he preaches. In my opinion that is quite a rare trait for a cabinet member. Dont let that fool you though, he is intolerant of many other viewpoints and still a bit sheltered with regard to other religious views despite his well travelled history. Plus, he is still a Bush lackey. He will defend actions that dont seem to make sense by referencing the president in his argument. For example: Labelling what country your meat comes from will hurt small farmers somehow, the President says so! Here is Mr. Johanns random quote: Food safety involves everybody in the food chain. Well Punned, Mr. Johanns.

Oh, who are the Cabinet members in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? Say, who are the Cabinet members in your neighborhood? The Cabinet members that you meet each day!

We (sic) here at PenIsMightier feel that the United States Cabinet doesn’t get enough attention or credit for the roles they play in the management and protection of our country. Its because of this I’m dedicating several posts to brief bios of those people that try so hard to run our country. Lets start with… Secretary of the Interior: Dirk Kempthorne!

Former governor of Idaho, several stints in the Senate. During his time in the Senate he consistently voted against any legislation that would improve the environment or reduce emissions. While Governor of Idaho their toxic emissions rose while environmental inspections were reduced to a court ordered mandatory minimum. Whats even better? In his campaign for governor he spent more money than he collected, so he was forced to spend two years trying to collect money to make up for the debt. This amazing ability with math caught the attention of the Bush White House. Now he’s in Secretary of the Interior. He’s the main executive of the National Parks Service, United States Geological Survey, Bureau of Indian Affairs, and, of course, several of the sub agencies of the Environmental Protection Agency.

What better man to take charge of some of the most environmentally sensitive parts of the government than a man with stellar voting record and attention to mathematical detail? Of course, how can I end this post without a random quote from Mr. Kempthorne: What we cannot have is grandparents competing with grandchildren for state resources. Well said Mr. Kepthorne. Well said.

Temperatures soared outside into the high nineties I was inside at a stable 72 degrees, and it was good.

Then this morning, as the grilf was in the basement feeding the cats, she reported that the floor was wet. Well, thinking the rain over the last few days found a new way in, I wasn’t too pleased with the prospect but I let it stew until after work. This was not good.

So I got home and noticed the water was deepest near the furnace. The furnace has a water pump attached to it that takes condensation from the heat exchanger and the condenser and pumps it to the drain. On especially humid and hot days the condenser produces a lot of liquid… Enough liquid to completely cover the floor of one of the rooms in my basement, in fact. So, it turns out that in order for the furnace pump to successfully pump the water… THE GODDAMN INSTALLERS HAVE TO ACTUALLY PUT THE DRAIN TUBE INTO THE PUMP. THEY WERE NOT GOOD.

Anyway, I see this tube not quite attached to the pump and I think “Gee, I’ll just put it in the hole”. heheheh. hole. So I take the bottom of the tube and put it in the hole, and the top of the tube falls of the furnace. So I take the top of tube and I attach it to the furnace, and the bottom of the tube comes out of the pump. So I take the bottom of the tube and put it in the hole, and the top of the tube falls of the furnace. So I take the top of tube and I attach it to the furnace, and the bottom of the tube comes out of the pump. So I take the bottom of the tube and put it in the hole, and the top of the tube falls of the furnace. So I take the top of tube and I attach it to the furnace, and the bottom of the tube comes out of the pump. So I take the bottom of the tube and put it in the hole, and the top of the tube falls of the furnace. So I take the top of tube and I attach it to the furnace, and the bottom of the tube comes out of the pump.

Huh.

I guess the tube is too short. Son of a bitch. Its ghetto rigged right now, but you can bet I’m calling the fuckers back to fix it. I love my air conditioning, but I also like dry floors.

Imagine that you’re a voyeur. Or don’t imagine. You are. We all know it. We forgive you. Now give me back my underwear and re-mulch the area under the windows. Anyway… since that went to a bad place lets change the scenario again. You’re watching a complicated soap opera in which the protagonist is a young man that is working nights to pay for school. He lives almost rent-free with his girlfriend. We now join our program, already in progress: …On his way to bed he looked into the computer room as saw her sitting there, clad in a tank top and a pair of panties. She glared at him as though he had disturbed something private, which in fact he had. The light on her webcam was conspicuously on, and the position of her tank top revealed that she most likely was not wearing her bra anymore. He feigned ignorance to the proceedings, wanting to avoid the fight and just get some sleep. He was too tired to care, and quite frankly a fight right now wouldn’t help end the two month dry spell he had been encountering anyway; the latest in a chain of dry spells that started back about the same time that he started to work third shift at his call center job. In some sort of ritual defiance to these thoughts he jerked off and came weakly into a dirty shirt before throwing the shirt in the general direction of the hamper and falling asleep. In what must have been only 15 minutes later, suddenly he was being shaken awake. She was sitting on the bed next to him now, and wanted to have sex. There was a faint smell of beer on her breath as she whispered into his ear ‘Hey! I want you to fuck me over the edge of the bed and then come all over my face’. Even though he knew he should say no… well, she was right there, ready. He was up almost immediately, and they started to go at it. Positions were changed several times, and she kept saying “Are you almost there?” He wasn’t, even after a half hour of this. Something was missing. Some little voice in his conscience kept distracting him. Plus of course he had just pulled one off right before she sauntered in for some action. Finally, after another ten minutes he managed to have a weak orgasm, but didn’t remember to pull out and come on her face as requested. She cried out “Wait, did you come?” “Yeah. I did” “YOU SON OF A BITCH!” She yelled “All I asked for was for you to come on my fucking face and you couldn’t get that much right?” He closed his eyes to disguise the rolling motion they were making and crawled back into bed. “Sorry.” he said “I was tired and forgot” She stormed back into the computer room and started frantically typing again. Apparently she just lost some sort of web-cam truth or dare. He fell asleep with a smile on his face. He may not be getting laid again for another two months, but this was oh so worth it. Especially once he remembered to check the IRC logs on her computer the next day.

Such a happy couple. I bet they go far!

Now, I had suspicions for quite some time that it was becoming mainstream, but I found out that it was even more prevalent than I had previously thought. If you aren’t familiar with the End-Times movement, its basically a theory that the Apocalypse will be brought about by man within the our lifetime (or that of our children). Many followers of End-Times theology believe that it is the duty of Americans (read:Christians) to consume as much as possible in order to help bring these times about. The fact that most of these ‘consumers’ are living comfortably in large air conditioned houses and not helping out their fellow Christians that barely make it living paycheck to paycheck escapes their irony detectors. These people are also part of the 29% that still support President Bush and his policies in Iraq. Not because the policies are working… but because of the religion of the people we’re screwing over.

Another mark of End-Times theology (although definitely not limited to them) is a tendency to turn scientific discussion about global climate change into a political blame game rather than looking for solutions. Basically, if you cant prove exactly how much that coal power plant contributes to global climate change then its not contributing! Not only that, but the real fault must lay with the coal plants in Europe or the Chinese. Showing proof wont help either… it has to pass through Rush Limbaugh’s fact checkers, and they get their news directly from God.

The fact that these people still have the nerve to bring children into the world and teach them that they are helping bring about the end of the world fills me with sadness. The fact that I cant even call these groups a cult because they’re a major part of organized religion concerns me as well.

As some of you know, I’ve accused President Bush of being an End-Times believer himself. Hell, I’ve even accused President Bush of being the Antichrist foretold in End-Time prophecies. But I have since refined my theories about the Commander in Chief… Basically, I now believe that the President is one of the few people in history that liked the movie “Waterworld” and he’s trying to make it happen for real.

As far as the parts of the world that will still have land masses: He wants those to turn into Thunderdome’s Bartertown. The catch is he wants to replace MasterBlaster with his Halliburton friends. On the bright side, Dubai is only 16 ft above sea level. DROWN YOU SONS OF BITCHES DROWN. MWUAHAHAHAHAHA. *cough* Oh yeah. Click on this picture: (thanks bill)