Yes, its an old story. I just read it recently. Get the fuck off my lawn.

I’d like to formally suggest that as a form of protest the men flying over the next few months take a viagra prior to arriving at the airport. If anything is going to convince TSA management that the ‘pat-downs’ are going over the line, it will be pat downs of several hundred people with erections.

Besides, it may help you enjoy the process a little more. Of course, the next few hours after the pat down may be a little uncomfortable…

Then I left town for a few weeks, and they got a picture of my house with long grass and paint scraped off.

Wouldn’t you know it… not an update since. Ever since then I’ve been obsessed with trying to make sure that the house is presentable from the street side for the next time they drive by. When I have parties I hand people instructions to my house just in the hope they don’t Google it.

So I wait patiently. Yet somehow in the back of my mind though I cant shake this feeling that there is a Google camera lurking around the corner just waiting for me to let my guard down. I’ll be waiting. Oh yes. I’ll be waiting.

I lose faith in humanity somewhere between the discharge and the Indian smelling.

If you’re interested in how the “Google Suggest” feature works, check out this page on Google for more information.

For the record, Google Suggest has helped many on the Pen forum realize that they hate people too! I finally have some people that agree with me that people suck.

Its too bad I hate them all.

Seriously. I can have my television on ’3′ where I can barely hear voices on the screen as a murmur, but this damn commercial will make the neighbors ask me to keep it down when the actors all start their fucking screeching.

See for yourself:

Boy. Watching it again though, maybe it works. After all, it really makes me thirsty… for some water to wash down the Excedrin.

I wonder, does Heineken share any board members with Novartis?

Another contender for most annoying commercial comes from poster StaringGoldfish on the pen forum:

I don’t know how they got Beck to be in that commercial, but I have to agree that it is annoying.

My mother called me today to chat, and happened to bring up this little tidbit. She then subjected me to a tale about accompanying my father to a showing of Behind the Green Door “In a real theater, not in a booth or from VCR”

When I failed to act shocked she told the story again, emphasizing that it was in 1973. Finally she told me that she would have to subject my sister to the same story soon because she would be completely scandalized. I encouraged her to go ahead and do that right away, since I really didn’t want to hear the story again.

The thought of my parents going to an adult theater (one year before they were married) does not shock or scandalize me. It just kind of creeps me out and makes me want to find a teddy bear to hug while I drink away the memory of the conversation.

Stories like that are similar to videos of old and saggy people fucking… once it has been seen it can not be unseen.

Still, Marilyn Chambers death fills me with sadness. I haven’t been this sad since Linda Lovelace died in April of 2002. Although, mentioning that does give me yet another chance to resurrect this old picture…

RIP, Marilyn. Here’s hoping that somewhere up there you’re getting a seven gun salute that would sell millions in Japan.

So I did a google search. My first hit was here. Yes, I’m sure its yet another “Did you just get the internet yesterday” link, but I’m posting it anyway. Basically this website tells a heartbreaking tale of how some stupid ass teenagers posted pictures of themselves beating the shit out of a cat for several minutes. It sickened me, and made me want to hurt people. But that isn’t the weird part…

Apparently 4chan.org readers jumped in as do-good internet vigilantes in this case, and got the kids arrested. The police were able to find the cat, and got it to a vet where it is being cared for and is expected to recover. Police also found video of another cat beating, and saved two more cats from the house that had signs of abuse.

Now, normally when I think ’4chan’ I think of a website that has a high ratio of misogynists, racists, and pedophiles. Venturing into the ‘adult’ boards at the wrong (or right) time requires a strong constitution and a stronger stomach. Its difficult to find positive aspects of the ‘adult’ boards beyond being a dump for webcam pictures and occasionally epic memes. In fact, while typing all of this out I not sure why I’ve been spending so much time there.

But I digress… Thank you, toilet of the internet! You’ve brought a happy ending to a heartbreaking story, complete with three kitties that will hopefully live out better lives. For more information, visit http://www.kenny-glenn.net. Make sure you check out the pictures at the end of the kenny-glenn website.

Remember: Children are evil.

I should say something there about how posting pictures of yourself doing stupid things on the internet can ruin your life, but the point I really want to make here is that children are evil.

Thank you.

Lee Redmond from Salt Lake City, Utah, is in the Guinness World Records for having the longest nails in the world.

She had not cut her nails since 1979, and the longest nail on her right thumb measured almost 90 cm.

Ms Redmond was badly hurt in the crash, but she is expected to make a full recovery.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking… “Was she driving the car at the time? How the hell does anyone drive a car with 90cm fingernails anyway? What about going to the bathroom? I wonder if blackboard manufacturers contracted her death?”

Dont try to deny it, you’re all sick and should be ashamed of yourselves.

Also of me.

However, the author has decided to stop releasing the cartoon now that Bush is no longer in office. The last official GYWO cartoon was published on Inauguration day.

Relive the glory days of the Bush administration by reading (or rereading) the GYWO archive here!

Enjoy.

So, without further ado, here is a video of “Detachable Penis” by King Missile (1992).

Lyrics are behind the cut if you’re interested.

Lyrics:
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It’s detachable.

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it’s gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don’t need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can’t for the life of me
remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn’t find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn’t seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
’cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.

I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don’t like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark’s Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.

He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don’t know.
Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

Not sure where this originated, but its been popping up in emails and various forums for several months.

You have to love it. A guy that is too old to care about how hot the lady may be, but young enough to get a good kick in at someone taking a piss on the concrete. He may have single handedly ruined any chance she had in soft-core fetish porn.

Its always possible that she broke her jaw trying to take in Dick Cheney’s massive cock though. Just imagine how his pacemaker must have to kick into overdrive anytime someone says ‘Pardon’.

Still, this is good news! We must have a celebration. So, in honor of Ann’s muteness, I give you… LOLCLITS! (Link courtesy of stpdlsr).

If you think that LOLCLITS sounds a lot like LOLCATS, then you are correct! Unfortunately these are not going to be cute pictures that you can hang up at work. Many of them are goddamn disturbing. In fact, its probably setting the work done by the Vagina Monologues back by five years. (flashblock recommended)

I cant stop looking.

 
1) Universal Guide to Getting Laid in Japan
Click here to read the article.
Written by Fenomas, Pen’s senior correspondent from Japan. I’ve been told that this article holds just as true today as it ever has. Take that however you want to take it.

2) The Trade Wars Bible…
A reformat and minor update to the Trade Wars 2002 Bible written originally in 1993. Information should now be current as of the most recent version of TradeWars Game Server. If you’re interested in information on this old BBS game that still sees play today then check this out!
HTML Version
‘RTF’ version (Cross Platform Word Processor compatible)
Thanks to those that have emailed comments and questions to me over the last year.

3) Yatta!
Originally posted by Jimbo in 2001… for some reason we still get dozens of hits a month for it.
Video here. (asf, 7mb) (Seriously though, you’ll probably find the same thing on YouTube).
For those of you still coming here to find it, here is some information courtesy of fenomas, once again:

“Yatta” is more or less the work of a comedy duo called “Ucchan-Nanchan” (after the two guys’ names: Uchimura and Nanbara). The have a tv show that’s sort of half variety-show, half sketch comedy, and “Yatta” started out as a sketch on that show. The sketch was about a mythical music group called “Happa-tai” (Leaf Squad, more or less- that’s what it says between “Yatta” and “Pony Canyon” at the beginning) where all the members wear only a leaf and sing this happy song called “Yatta” (literally, “I did it”, figuratively “Yeah” or “All right!” It’s what Chun-Li says when she wins). It was just absurdist, there’s no deep meaning.

 
Feel the oldschool love?
 
Enjoy.

The dog was a pitbull named Booger.

Now as if that wasn’t bad enough, more information keeps coming to light about this woman.

For example…
• She was once Miss Wyoming, in the 1970′s.
• In 1978 she was wanted for Kidnapping a Mormon missionary in the UK, and forcing him to have sex with her.
• She is best known for once saying the line “I’d ski naked down Mount Everest with a carnation up my nose if he asked me.”
• In 2004 she convinced a 15 year old to break into a house and steal money so she could buy a prosthetic leg for her horse.
• Over the last 30 years she has occasionally threatened the wives of men that she would become obsessed with.
• She had a career in soft porn in the 1970′s including lots of bondage shots.
• She disappeared from Korea without her $50,000 puppies

You cant make shit like that up.

Read more here:
1977 London Times article
A pro-pitbull site gives their take on it
TrashFiction.co.uk tracks down a book published in 1978

30 years have not been kind to her. But then, she hasn’t been kind to herself either.

NadShot.com

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a fetish site, a humor site, or if someone just really likes making me uncomfortable. Thats right, me uncomfortable. Fuck the rest of you, the internet is all about me. Even when its an uncomfortable place (not unlike the back of a Volkswagen).

But I digress. The page is mostly filled with comics of people getting kicked, and for some reason I cant help but read comics. So next thing I know I’m at the end of the page feeling slightly queasy and resisting the urge to click through the archives. My pain is now your pain. Enjoy.