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My wife and I recently went to an indoor waterpark so that we could pretend that the cold death of winter was not yet upon us. We had a good time, first going down some slides and then floating around the lazy river without a care. Eventually we retreated to the wave pool to bob [...]

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While watching television a few nights ago I started to hear what sounded like an animal in pain outside my living room window. At first I try to just tune it out by raising the television volume, but after about 20 minutes it becomes more insistent and I finally decide to go outside and see [...]

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Over the last few weeks I’ve been seeing all sorts of video footage of the effects of “Cash for Clunkers” throughout the country. But nowhere has it made more of a difference than in the lives of creepy child molesters. See, Clash for Clunkers allows them to trade in their 15 year old panel van [...]

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Yesterday I was drinking a pitcher of rum and coke with friends when a drunk woman approached us. I say she was drunk mostly because she approached us, and my friends tend to only attract drunk women. Anyway, she approached us and asked quite loudly (to no one in particular) “Hey, how the fuck do [...]

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A few months ago I raised the dog bed in my spare bedroom to the same level as the window. Ever since then the cats and the dog have been competing for space on the dog bed so they could sleep in the sun or stare at the neighbors. Apparently a compromise was finally reached [...]

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I was recently moved to read a little piece of moral turpentine entitled “Dr. Tiller: Who will mourn your casualties?” So moved in fact, that I have humbly undertaken to pen a tribute. It is, with characteristic restraint, entitled: Dr. Washington, What Would Minnie Think? Characters Socrates, a Greek Dr. Ellis Washington, professor of law [...]

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Today while I was shutting down my computer and getting ready to leave work I happened to hear a shared printer start to print off several sheets. I had thought I was the last one in the office, so out of curiosity I went over to the printer to see who was printing. It turned [...]

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Its time for masturbatory roleplaying! The game where I take other people’s stories (told in confidence) and spin them around so they’re even more embarrassing! Imagine you’re a 15 year old boy. You’re living in the Midwest in 1991 with too much time on your hands. Good internet porn is years away, and your dogeared [...]

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While reading a thesis about how to power my car using nothing but semen I kept seeing comments containing jokes about someone named “Kenny Glenn”, interspersed with links to pictures of kittens. I was intrigued. Plus since it turns out that more power goes into producing semen than it contains, my research on alternative fuels [...]

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