I suppose I should be hoping that it turns out to be bad. After all, this man has made a living out of raping the working class and then charging them for lube. But I have to believe that his deal with Satan allows for a few more final hurrahs. Why Satan? No one could get away with being that fucking ballsy without help from a supernatural power.

So I have my own theory. I’m guessing that the cause of the discomfort was his erection finally getting too large and bursting. With news that an oil-financed judge ruled that deep water drilling had to resume I don’t think that his already-strained penis could take it and just popped. Its a good thing too… if his balls got any bigger they would have had their own gravitational field.

First of all, how fucked up is it that we’re all calling him Balloon Boy when he wasn’t even in the damn balloon? How is this kid going to end up being known as balloon boy his entire life? At least Baby Jessica the Well Girl was actually stuck in a well.

But the biggest reason I need everyone to stop talking about Balloon Boy is because I keep getting “Up Up and Away” by the 5th Dimension stuck in my head every time someone mentions it. In fact, I’m beginning to twitch a little every time the chorus goes through my head.

As such, I must subject you all to it as well:

My mother called me today to chat, and happened to bring up this little tidbit. She then subjected me to a tale about accompanying my father to a showing of Behind the Green Door “In a real theater, not in a booth or from VCR”

When I failed to act shocked she told the story again, emphasizing that it was in 1973. Finally she told me that she would have to subject my sister to the same story soon because she would be completely scandalized. I encouraged her to go ahead and do that right away, since I really didn’t want to hear the story again.

The thought of my parents going to an adult theater (one year before they were married) does not shock or scandalize me. It just kind of creeps me out and makes me want to find a teddy bear to hug while I drink away the memory of the conversation.

Stories like that are similar to videos of old and saggy people fucking… once it has been seen it can not be unseen.

Still, Marilyn Chambers death fills me with sadness. I haven’t been this sad since Linda Lovelace died in April of 2002. Although, mentioning that does give me yet another chance to resurrect this old picture…

RIP, Marilyn. Here’s hoping that somewhere up there you’re getting a seven gun salute that would sell millions in Japan.