At least, thats what the people that kept calling me were saying; I didn’t have a window nearby so I couldn’t verify their tales. When people calling in for tech support start talking about the weather I have a feeling they’re just feeling helpless. In some way they are trying to prove that they’ve got some advantage over me because they have a concept of the outside temperature and precipitation levels. Despite that, talking about the weather is normally the high point of a call. The rest is typically awkward silences followed by nervous responses to questions.

However, today things were about to veer from the norm. Today I got a call from someone that refused to talk about atmospheric phenomenon at all! In fact, the caller refused to talk about much of anything. He just kept saying “Hey, can I bring my laptop over. I’d rather talk about this in person.”

Typically I try to avoid letting users into my inner sanctum since then they know what I have in inventory and are more likely to ask for things. However, something in this gentleman’s voice swayed me so I acquiesced to his request.

Five minutes later he was sitting in front of my desk holding a laptop. Without saying a word he opened the lid and turned the laptop around to face me. I was in shock… the laptop keyboard was missing half of its keys, and many of the remaining ones looked like they had been chewed on.

I looked at him, pleading for an explanation. Finally I spoke up “Ok… so were you using your laptop as a bird feeder, or as a chew toy?”

He suddenly couldn’t meet my eyes. “Neither… my pig ate it.”

I tried to maintain a straight face. I went so far as to fake a ‘facepalm’ in order to hide the snickers that were beginning to sneak out. However, in the end I just ended up snorting into my hands before I broke out into full laughter.

“Wait, so what were you doing with your laptop on a farm?”
“No, I have a house-pig. I had my laptop on a coffee table, and the pig managed to get up on the table and root at the keyboard. He got most of the keys off, and it took me 20 minutes to get some of them out of its mouth.”

I looked a little closer at the keyboard, and noticed something out of place.

“How did these keys get teeth marks on them?”

He directed his gaze at the floor before responding. “I… I spent half the night trying to put the keys back on the keyboard before I realized a lot of the clips under the keys were damaged.” He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a zip-lock baggie with the missing keys in them. Most of them were completely unrecognizable.

I couldn’t help it… I laughed again. I knew about the horrors of putting keys back on some keyboards, and the thought of attempting it on an entire keyboard was absurd.

I continued to give the guy some crap, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Finally I looked into getting a replacement keyboard.

Thankfully the laptop was covered under a no-fault warranty. However, as penance I made him call it in and explain to our warranty support exactly why the keyboard needed replacement. The poor Indian guy on the other end of the line just couldn’t process the explanation and finally just said “So… um… lets just say its malfunctioning then”.

Then he talked about the weather.

Somehow he knew it was cloudy outside.

*phone rings*
Me: This is Clem, what can I do to you today?
User: Hi Clam, I have a… wait, what?
Me: What is the nature of your issue today?
User: Oh. This is Nancy downstairs, and I just put a ticket in for one of my employees I wanted you to look at please.
Me: Ok. Lets see here…

Ticket ########:
Frances would like a stand/lift or new PC. She feels her PC is attracting cockroaches and she thinks lifting it would make them less attracted to the heat her PC produces.

Me: Wait… what? Cockroaches aren’t attracted to heat alone.
User: Well, her desk is crawling with them, and we always seem to see them most often by the PC.
Me: Does she keep food at her desk?
User: Yes, she has two drawers worth of food. We all share what she brings in.
Me: Oh dear.
User: Can we hang the computer from the ceiling to keep the cockroaches off the desk maybe?
Me: Hang the computer from the… You’re kidding right? You’re fixing the wrong problem here.
User: Are you going to help me or do I have to call your supervisor.
Me: Wow. Ok. To tell the truth, I need to bring HR, facilities maintenance, and both of our supervisors into this one.
User: Thats more like it. Wait… what?
Me: Just a moment please.

*I had to hit mute here and catch my breath. I was simultaneously laughing and crying so hard*

Me: Ok. I’m back. For the time being there will be no more food at or in the desks until the facilities guy calls an exterminator and talks to all of you.
User: No need to call an exterminator. She already has roach traps clipped under her desk, and she spread roach killing paste along the bottom of the keyboard.
Me: You have got to be fucking kidding me…
User: Hey, no swearing in this department. I’ll have to have you written up.
Me: You’re fixing the wrong problem again.
User: Huh?
Me: I’ll have facilities talk to you. Can you please move Frances to a different desk for now please. Working near that paste and eating roach feces isn’t healthy for her.
User: I cant move her, she’s signed into a phone right now.
Me: That desk is a biohazard. Move her as soon as she finishes her call.
User: I’d have to move her upstairs then!
Me: That sounds great. in fact, hold that thought.
User: Say, do you think the exterminator will take care of the ants too?
Me: What? How… but… uh… for crying out… please hold.

A bit of a rant here… most offices are glorified warehouses with poor ventilation and lots of insulated nooks for rodents to thrive in. All they need is a food source and they become a great habitat, especially during winter months. For some reason when ever people bring food to work they’re more worried about hiding their food from scavenging coworkers than protecting them from scavenging insects and rodents.

After the department was fumigated and all food purged I made a newbie I.T. guy clean the roach paste off the keyboard and then quarantine the computer in a plastic bag in a closet for a few weeks. Yes, ‘Frances’ had no computer at her desk during that time frame. Quarantining the computer was probably unnecessary, but damn it was satisfying.

Now, if only I could get rid of that chair that smells like urine I’ll feel like I made a difference.

Take last Friday for example…

*phone rings*

Me: I.T. Support, this is Clem.
User: Hi Ken. My printer isn’t working.
Me: Ok. When did it stop working?
User: Yesterday sometime.
Me: Ok. Is this an escalation? Did you call it in then?
User: Well, I saw Frank at a restaurant while I was out for lunch and I told him. He should have taken care of it!
Me: Uh… Ok. Nevermind. Lets talk about that printer. Whats wrong?
User: Its my receipt printer. It only prints on one line and wont pull the paper.
Me: Ok. Is it doing anything else strange?
User: Sometimes it does kind of pull the paper, but then it isn’t lined up and gets jammed.
Me: Great. Its one of the dot matrix printers, right?
User: Can you give me a newer one?
Me: I guess that means yes. Can you tell me if there is a lever on top of the printer?
User: Oh. I’m not next to the printer right now. Should I be next to the printer?
Me: Yes please.
User: I’ll have to put you on hold.
Me: That’s fine. I’ll be here.

*five minutes of hold music*

User: Hello? Who is this?
Me: Its Clem with I.T. Are you near the printer?
User: Oh! I was just talking to Ken! Sorry. I checked email and I saw I had an email from my husband and another from my boss that were really important so I…

*I expire her account while she’s explaining what she is doing*

User: …and I’ll just be a minute my husband emailed me back. Hey! Email just stopped working!
Me: Boy. That’s strange. We’ll have to make sure we look at that as soon as we finish with the printer.
User: Uh… Ok. Please hold.

*one minute of hold music*

User: Ken?
Me: Clem.
User: I’m at the printer now.
Me: Great! Can you take a look at the lever on top of the printer for me?
User: Its in the middle.
Me: What does that position say?
User: Uh, it has a picture of the printer and paper on it. There are two other pictures too at the front and back, and they have words underneath the pictures.
Me: …
User: I don’t know how to describe those pictures.
Me: That’s Ok. Can you describe the words underneath the pictures please?
User: Sure! Its on bottom right now, and the other two say top and rear.
Me: Great. Change it to rear.
User: Ok…

*I hear the printer start printing*

User: But now it isn’t lined up!
Me: That’s fine. We didn’t need to try printing yet. Our next step is to take the paper out and reload it.
User: Ok.

*I hear the printer start printing again!*

Me: Did it line up?
User: How did you know I printed?
Me: I have a fifth sense.
User: Can you see what I’m doing on the screen right now?
Me: We’ll fix your email in a minute.
User: I knew it!
Me: I’m just guessing. Did it print?
User: Yes! Its fixed!
Me: Ok. Just remember that the printer prefers rear entry.
User: Wha?

*I turn her account back on*

User: Hey! Email is working again. Thanks bye!

*she hangs up the phone without waiting for a response*

*I dial up another I.T. guy*

Me: Hey, why did you transfer that call to me?
IT Guy: Sorry man, I just couldn’t deal with her again.
Me: Oh? Why not?
IT Guy: She keeps fucking with her printer and wants me to go down there and fix it when she messes up the alignment or moves the levers around.
Me: Huh. I guess she really doesn’t like rear entry.

*I hear a crashing sound as the phone is dropped*

Me: Hello? Are you ok?
IT Guy: Dude.
Me: The thing I cant figure out is if she doesn’t like rear entry, why does she put it on bottom instead?
IT Guy: I got to go.

*he hangs up the phone*

So few people truly appreciate a good pun.

Details (and a resolution) here, if you’re interested.

Funny, it just works on my Ubuntu laptop.

Make Vista Look Like Win2k

Thank you.

Make Vista Look Like Win2k

Thank you.

Make Vista Look Like Win2k

Thank you.

It is survived by one operating system drive, four grand data drives, and two great-grand backup drives.

There will be a small private service for the family, followed by the creation of a hard drive clock as per the drives last wishes.

A charity fund has been set up in the drives name. If you wish to contribute please send mp3 and jpeg files to clme(a@t)penismightier.com

The family appreciates your well wishes.

Previous Versions (Also known as Volume Shadow Copy) is a feature that was introduced in Server2003, and a precursor of it exists in Windows XP as ‘System Restore’. On server 2003 the software would automatically record changes made to files, and store the differences for either a predetermined amount of time, or until the allocated backup disk space was used up. The allocated space could actually be quite small since only ‘block level’ changes are stored.

Here is a screenshot of Windows XP, showing Server2003 Previous Versions of a shared folder:

Here is a screenshot of Windows Vista Shadowcopy:

The thing is, who wants to buy the Ultimate version of Vista in order to use this? I’m perfectly happy with Vista Home Premium myself, and know a few people running Vista Home Basic. However, after seeing how nice Previous Version works with Vista on the computers at work (and after setting up shadow copy on my Windows Servers) I kind of wanted it to function on the home version.

So, armed with the knowledge that System Restore used the Shadow Copy service I started to do some Google searches. It seems I wasn’t alone. An enterprising group of people have developed “Shadow Explorer” Although it lacks the slick user interface that Vista and Server2003 offer, it definitely is usable.

You can find more information about this product here. Download available here.

Please remember that shadowcopy is not a replacement for remembering to back your shit up. If your hard disk fails, the shadowcopies die with it.

I’m always looking for information on more programs of this sort, for either Win2k, WinXP or Vista. If you have a program you think I could benefit from please let me know by leaving a comment on this post. The only requirements I have are that the programs are cool, free, and spyware free.

Then I took off the front, where most of the air was supposed to come in…

The dust that was embedded inside the front of that case managed to get stuck to the tar, creating an air-tight seal around all of the vent holes.

A public service announcement from PenIsMightier.com:
Your computer is not a smokeless ashtray.

That’s what I call making my money work for me.

At the moment that heatsink is worth more than my 401k.

Me: I.T. Support. This is Clem.

End User: Hey, ever since you gave me that new computer two months ago I’m missing the icon for %Application%. Can you put it back?

Me: Wow, two months, huh? How often do you normally have to use %Application%?

End User: Oh, I never use it. I just want my desktop to look exactly like it did before. I want my icons back.

Me: Wait, you dont use %Application%?

End User: Well, I might have to some day, but I dont know what it does. I want my icon back.

Me: You want an icon back for a program you dont use?

End User: Yes I do. What if I need that program?

Me: You had the old computer for three years and never used it.

End User: Well they dont offer any training here!

Me: Ok… *I create a shortcut to google.com and name it %Application%*

End User: Wait… thats not right.

Me: Why not?

End User: The icon thing looked different before. It was white or something. This is a big blue ‘E’.

Me: Oh, thats Vista.

End User: I have Vista?

Me: Yeah… thats why you got a new computer…? Remember all those emails I sent you, with the links to training programs and videos?

End User: I have Vista?

Me: Yes.

End User: Vista made my icon look like the Internet?

Me: Yes.

End User: Oh. That makes sense.

Me: Thank you for calling. Have a nice day.

Since 2001 many of us have been devoting all of our spare computer cycles to searching for aliens, even going as far as to load up many of the computers at our respective workplaces with the software at one time or another. It didn’t cost us anything, and since most of us run our computers 24 hours a day it gave us the illusion of some of that time not being wasted.

Unfortunately SETI has kind of died over the last few years. With the start of many ‘more useful’ distributed computing projects and the lack of fresh data for the SETI clients to process the interest in the program has faded to the point that we only had about 7 people still active on the pen team last month, out of a one time high of 141.

With those things in mind eod started a Folding team. Folding is run by Stanford, and devotes your spare CPU cycles to protein folding. The idea is that the distributed computing model can help find cures for cancer, Alzheimer’s, and many other diseases. Now instead of searching for aliens we’re curing cancer!

If you’re interested in joining the pen folding team visit http://folding.stanford.edu and load the client.

The pen team is number 119090 and the stats can be viewed here.

As a warning, the windows ‘graphical’ client will disrupt games that use the OpenGL engine. If you load the graphical client then you will want to pause it before starting games. The command line version doesn’t have this hangup but does require a bit more skill to install and run.

Help pen cure erectile dysfunction^* cancer! Join the pen Folding team!

^*Note: Folding and team Pen can not actually cure erectile dysfunction unless you send me pictures of your sisters.