“Chris, I put on my robe
and wizard hat. Roll for
initiative. Love, Shaun,
your Dungeon Master”

Almost instantly I wondered if I could take its clothes off.

10 points to Gryffindor.

I wish i knew how to quit you.

I know I speak for all of the PenIsMightier staff when I wish Jeer and TheOnyx a happy life together.

Insert a MIDI of “When Doves Cry” here.

I hung up and went back to sleep. I woke up an hour later wondering if I had dreamed the earlier call. I checked my phone and it verified that the call had indeed happened.

I asked my girlfriend about it over lunch today. She swore adamantly that it was not her sending the flowers. Once I finally believed her, I sat and thought about who might send me flowers:

• My most resent ex: While possible, this would be uncharacteristic of her.
• The company that installed my new air conditioning system a last week (and consequently set off a fire sprinkler while welding a copper pipe without a heat shield, thus flooding part of my condo as well as part of the one underneath and the garage below that): I figured they might be trying to play nice after the massive fuck-up.
• Your mom: She’s such a softie.

The flowers arrived late in the day. This is what I found:
(click for larger images)

Suddenly, I remembered the E-mail conversation:

---

From: Jeer
Subject: Get Lamp

A documentary about text adventure!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwZxUGmqSOo

and this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nigRT2KmCE&feature=related

=D

---

From: TheOnyx

I love lamp.

---

From: Jeer

You love dick.

---

From: TheOnyx

You keep hoping for our “Happily Ever After”, but you never do anything about it.

---

From: Jeer

How about I FTD some flowers for you?

Would that make you slip off your chair, sweetheart?

---

From: TheOnyx

It’s like you don’t even know me.

---

Well-played, good sir. Well-played, indeed.

This of course is not surprising from the guy that is best known around here for testicles with smiley faces

I step out the door holding a flashlight and a baseball bat, and start to walk around my house looking for an injured raccoon or a cat in heat. Then I hear the noise again, but this time it sounds less like a feral creature… it almost sounds human.

“whoahoahoahoahoahoahoahoa”

I walk back to the front of my house and then out to the street, trying to ascertain the direction the noise is coming from.

“Whoahoa *gasp* fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck whoahoahoahoahoa”

Ok. That is definitely a human noise.

Finally I look towards the house at the end of the street. There is a single illuminated window in upstairs level of the house, and much of that window is currently blocked by a man and a woman. The woman has her head and breasts out of the window while a man behind her is having sex with her.

So here I am standing in the middle of the street holding a flashlight and a baseball bat, and I’m not wearing shoes or a shirt. Yet, for a fleeting moment, I’m not the strangest person in my neighborhood. While thinking about that, I realize that I should probably not continue to stand in the street, so I wipe the drool off my chin and head back inside to go to bed.

But there turns out to be a problem… the neighbor is loud enough that it keeps me from sleeping. I have no idea what type of drugs give people that much sexual stamina, but she keeps screaming out her window off and on for the next three hours, which makes sleeping difficult. About every 30 minutes or so they take a break, but even then they are loud, since they step outside to smoke a cigarette and yell obscenities at one another. I’m sure it would have been quite a show if I didn’t have to work early that morning.

Finally at about 3am the woman steps outside with her mother. They apparently wanted to have a private conversation, since they crossed the street into my yard and started to talk under my bedroom window. It seems that the reason this show was put on was for the benefit of the woman’s stepfather. The story went that he kept hitting on her, and her mother was ignoring it, so she decided to really make him mad by having wild sex with some asshole as loud as possible while he was trying to sleep.

Yeah. Ok. I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but I’m still confused as hell about how that was supposed to make the old pervert mad as opposed to making him jerk off furiously outside her door.

Anyway, the woman and her mother continue to chat for about 20 minutes while sharing cigarettes. By the end they were crying and hugging one another.

After this lovefest they all go back inside and there was glorious silence. I sleep like the dead for about two hours… but them I’m jolted awake by the sound of tires squealing as the woman’s fucktoy takes off in a rush, with her yelling insults and chasing after his truck.

While I’m on my way to work I only have one thought on my mind… how the fuck can she still walk?

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It definitely looks interesting. Half naked women running around while being chased by a guy with an axe. Sounds like either a great date movie or a late night Cinemax fapfest. The fact its in 3d adds something… as long as there are 3d boobies floating around. No boobies? Well, maybe its at least scary.

That brings up an interesting question… what about 3d porn? I mean, I know someone has to have done it before, but the thought of 3d boobies coming out of a huge movie screen still intrigues me. Why cant I find anything like this online? All I get when I do searches are super creepy incest comics with ’3d art’.

But then I started to think about it more in depth. Sure, 3d boobies are great, but what about 3d cacks? The entire audience ducking because they are afraid that they may suffer concussion by 20 foot long schlong?

Or perhaps a particular nasty anal scene? Suddenly there would be a closeup of a gaping asshole and the audience would all feel like they were falling into the Sarlacc pit.

But thats a risk I’m willing to take. Give me a helmet and a grappling hook, I’m going in.

Not sure where this originated, but its been popping up in emails and various forums for several months.

You have to love it. A guy that is too old to care about how hot the lady may be, but young enough to get a good kick in at someone taking a piss on the concrete. He may have single handedly ruined any chance she had in soft-core fetish porn.

The dog was a pitbull named Booger.

Now as if that wasn’t bad enough, more information keeps coming to light about this woman.

For example…
• She was once Miss Wyoming, in the 1970′s.
• In 1978 she was wanted for Kidnapping a Mormon missionary in the UK, and forcing him to have sex with her.
• She is best known for once saying the line “I’d ski naked down Mount Everest with a carnation up my nose if he asked me.”
• In 2004 she convinced a 15 year old to break into a house and steal money so she could buy a prosthetic leg for her horse.
• Over the last 30 years she has occasionally threatened the wives of men that she would become obsessed with.
• She had a career in soft porn in the 1970′s including lots of bondage shots.
• She disappeared from Korea without her $50,000 puppies

You cant make shit like that up.

Read more here:
1977 London Times article
A pro-pitbull site gives their take on it
TrashFiction.co.uk tracks down a book published in 1978

30 years have not been kind to her. But then, she hasn’t been kind to herself either.

It turns out that a lot of you are smart and intelligent people that absolutely did not find this website while looking for penis lengthening aides. Many of you have provided me with stories about other parts of your world, full of sick habits and amusing antics. When I cant come up with any original material of my own, I turn to those words.

So, its time once more for Masturbatory Roleplaying! The game where everything is fake except the shame and lack of fulfillment!

Story six:
A penny for your thoughts my picture?

Imagine you’re a young man attending a large mid-western college. Though you live in a dorm and have a fairly active social life you’ve confined yourself to your dorm room since you don’t feel well.

At some point you decide to start up your computer and try out a free trial of EverQuest your roommate left you. Before you install the game, you load up your Instant Messenger and check to see if any of your friends are online. You see a few, and do a quick check to see if any are using chat rooms. You see one, a a friends girlfriend from a nearby dorm, and you join the chat. For the first few minutes you just lurk in the background to see what the discussion is about.

Unfortunately, you find yourself rapidly regretting joining since the topic is not one you’re comfortable with. Your friend is discussing taking digital photos of herself naked, and is emailing them to anyone that asks. You’re slightly creeped out, but you don’t leave the chat. Some sort of morbid curiosity is driving you to continue reading the compliments and pleas for more photos from the strangers in the chat.

After about five minutes, you receive a private Instant Message from your friend.

DormChick1: how come U R not asking for pictures?
You: Well, I just don’t feel comfortable in that situation. I know you IRL and that seems like it would change things.
DormChick1: what, dont I look nice 2 you?
You: Look, I just don’t feel right taking pictures from you. You’re dating someone in my dorm, you know?
DormChick1: well, how about if U paid me for pictures? Then it would be a business transaction and U wouldn’t have to feel guilty!
You: How would that help me feel less guilty?
DormChick1: well, I figure if U just give me five dollars next time you see me that we can call it even! no guilt because its purely a business transaction!
You: Look, I’ve never had to pay for porn before.
DormChick1: This wouldn’t be porn.
You: Is this hush money? You dont want me to tell your boyfriend that you were trading pictures with strange men in a chat room do you?
DormChick1: Well, what were you doing in that chat room?
You: I’m done with this conversation. Goodbye.

For the next several days you are constantly bombarded with emails from this woman. In several of the emails she attaches pictures of herself with the plea “Look, now you have pictures and didn’t pay me”. You feel dirty. It doesn’t stop you from rubbing one out to the pictures though. Damn those were hot.

Do you tell your friend? Do you save the pictures? Do you rant about it to a guy you barely know in IM? Yes to all of the above!

But the question remains… why didn’t I ask for copies of these pictures when you were telling me this story? Damn. Hindsight is 20/20.

Usually these situations are fairly benign. For example, I’ll be watching something on PBS and suddenly get absorbed by the shiny lights on the computer. The next thing I know someone walks into the room and asks me why I’m watching Teletubbies. Normally my answer in those situations is to look up from the computer, rub the drool off of my chin, and smile like an idiot. That tends to be enough of an answer and the person just walks away and leaves me alone.

However, the other night I made that mistake while watching the “Independent Film Channel”. Adult Swim was showing yet another ‘Tim and Eric’ repeat so I started channel surfing and stopped on the first channel that was showing boobies. Thinking it was some lame Showtime flick, I put the remote down and started zoning out on the computer once more.

About 20 minutes later my wife walks into the room and just stops. She yells out “What the FUCK are you watching?”. Not knowing what I was watching myself I look at the screen and my jaw drops. Apparently the movie I was watching had moved on from boobies to gay porn. Not just gay porn… hardcore gay porn. There was more sucking, licking, and fucking going on than I had ever seen on a pay movie, and it was all happening between three guys on the screen. They were arranged in some strange upright daisy chain, and it didn’t look comfortable at all.

Somehow I realized that the smile and the drool just wouldn’t work as a response here. The only thing I could manage to spit out was “Wow… you don’t see that every day” while I tried to find the remote.

The remote took way too long to find. Then the buttons on the remote suddenly didn’t work right.

I was speechless. My wife wasn’t though. “Well, if thats what you’re into I guess I’ll just leave you alone”. I wont be hearing the end of this anytime soon.

The movie’s name was “shortbus”. This is probably not a date movie.

Me? I’d rock me some GI JOE Destro outfit

No? Neither do I. I just went back to class smelling like a sweatsock and kept wondering why the girls wouldn’t talk to me. Still, I tended to change from gym clothes back to regular clothes as fast as possible.

Ah, my how things change. Teenage insecurities and confusion have long since passed, and been replaced with a whole new level of insecurities. These days I’m lucky if I remember to put on pants before I walk outside to let the dog out and grab the newspaper, but I worry about trash on my lawn and peeling paint. I fear that age 30 is sneaking up behind me, ready to strike at any moment with a sock full of nickels.

I can already see the news story now…

On Saturday a local man was found unconscious in his front yard, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of boxer-briefs. On the ground nearby police found a garbage bag, some crumpled fast food wrappers, a newspaper, and several nickels. The man was taken to the Hospital and is currently in stable condition.

The incident was reported to police at 2pm by a pair of Mormon missionaries, who report that they were not surprised to find the man sitting on his lawn in such a state. Further questions revealed that they believe the man kept nickels in his briefs so that he would appear physically aroused when they knocked on his door.

The local man’s wife would not stop laughing long enough to answer questions.

My lack of pants aside, nothing can make a person relive those teenage insecurities like children. Pure unfiltered evil lives inside each and every child, waiting for any excuse to rear its head under the guise of innocent questions and comments about their surroundings. Say what you will about children not having any shame, but I believe the timing is too calculated for it to be anything but evil.

For example… Imagine you’re the father of a two year old girl, and are going swimming at the YMCA.

You enter the locker room and set your daughter on a bench so you can change. She sits there, babbling about swimming, and behaving herself. Then, after you’ve removed your shirt and are leaning over to remove your socks, she reaches out and grabs your chest.

“Awww, she wants me to hold her!” You probably think.

Nope.

“BOOBIES!” she yells. “Boobies boobies boobies!”

Now the entire locker room is looking over at you. Your two year old girl is grabbing your chest and doesn’t have a volume switch. People have begun to point and laugh. Now what do you do?

Yeah, I dont know either. A friend of mine sure would like some advice though. I may even give him some once I find out what happened to my pants.

Ok this is what I consider stage 3 in my ‘Cube o Power’ from Lipton. After modding the XPs to MPs and running them for a few days on aircooling, I decided that I had teased it enough and it was time to get it all wet.

I tricked Josh into coming over that night and being my second set of hands on this. He thought he was just stopping by to see the placement of the radiator little did he know he’d be up with me til the wee hours of the morning thrusting and shoving long tubes of wet love into the case.

Stats:
Msi Master Dual AMD Board
2x 2100xp chips modded to 2100MP
512 Cosair XMS Ram (Temporary ram to see if it?ll run stable on unregistered ram)
80gig WD 8 meg cache
Dangerden Maze3 Block on CPU1
Dtek Spir@l block on CPU2
All half inch tubing filled water wetter and distilled watery goodness

The only issue we encountered was bleeding the excess bubbles from the lines. Other than that it has been flawless (*knock on wood*). This is definitely a raw setup as it is right now. I’ll need to clean up the wiring some, etc.

– – –

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