Then I left town for a few weeks, and they got a picture of my house with long grass and paint scraped off.

Wouldn’t you know it… not an update since. Ever since then I’ve been obsessed with trying to make sure that the house is presentable from the street side for the next time they drive by. When I have parties I hand people instructions to my house just in the hope they don’t Google it.

So I wait patiently. Yet somehow in the back of my mind though I cant shake this feeling that there is a Google camera lurking around the corner just waiting for me to let my guard down. I’ll be waiting. Oh yes. I’ll be waiting.

I suppose I should be hoping that it turns out to be bad. After all, this man has made a living out of raping the working class and then charging them for lube. But I have to believe that his deal with Satan allows for a few more final hurrahs. Why Satan? No one could get away with being that fucking ballsy without help from a supernatural power.

So I have my own theory. I’m guessing that the cause of the discomfort was his erection finally getting too large and bursting. With news that an oil-financed judge ruled that deep water drilling had to resume I don’t think that his already-strained penis could take it and just popped. Its a good thing too… if his balls got any bigger they would have had their own gravitational field.

him: I had to ask my daughter to leave. She wasn’t helping around the house, I couldn’t afford to keep paying her insurance, and she’s had two years to find a job.

me: Yeah? How are her kids doing.

him: Oh, fine fine. The problem I’m having is that she left some of her stuff behind. I’m thinking of burning it.

me: Burning it? What did she leave behind?

him: Well, its in the freezer out on the porch.

me: Uh…

him: She finally found a doctor that would cut off her breasts, and she’s storing one of them in the freezer. She’s been mailing them around the country trying to find a doctor that will prove she had cancer.

me: One? Where is the other one?

him: It never made it back from a clinic in California. Supposedly lost in the mail.

me: Well, instead of burning it you could send it to a taxidermist and then mail it back to her.

him: What was that?

me: Boy how about that NASCAR? Did you see what Gordon did to Earnhart?

him: No… what did he do?

me: Oh, you had to be there. Also, I was just changing the subject.

him: That fucking Biffle though, let me tell you…

*shudder*

Now, which one of them do I call to fix the lock on the door?

However, sometimes the attempts to teach a young demon-vessel civilized manners can backfire. Take the case of a friend of mine, who had spent time teaching his three year old daughter that giving compliments is a good thing.

Most of the time the compliments had been harmless. “I like your shirt Mommy” or “I like your cooking Nana” was the order of the day, and was always reinforced with a “thank you” or a “that’s very nice!” At least until the day my friend was in the bathroom when his three year old came in behind him. He’s not shy, and potty training was only recently taking hold so he let it fly. Unfortunately for him, he had no sooner started to go when he heard her say five words:
“I like your penis daddy”
I don’t know about you, but that would be enough to make me stop mid-stream and reconsider my life choices.

Still… how do you respond to that? You have to be very careful with your reactions around a three year old. If you say “NO, dont say that!” then they will wonder why and it will come out at the wrong time. If you laugh, it will be the only thing they say for a week. You can just imagine what would happen if a child were to start yelling “I like your penis daddy” at Wal-Mart hoping for a quick laugh from passers-by.

But thankfully he opted to just say “thank you” and let it drop. At least until his wife came home. His wife thought it was hilarious and cracked up about it for quite some time. Then she told all of her friends, and suddenly he has a new nickname. He is now known as “Daddy” whenever her and her friends get together.

But hey, it could be worse…

But after years of flying I have suddenly realized that I have yet to check my baggage and not get it searched. How do I know its searched? Every time the baggage is checked there is a card left inside of the suitcase saying as much. I’m not really sure how it is that my bag gets singled out every time, but I have a feeling it has something to do with saying “Awww, just two more minutes?” when getting a pat-down in an airport 5 years ago.

Anyway… during my extensive travels over the last few months I have stopped removing the cards when my baggage is inspected. They were stacking up to the point I could almost have turned them into a respectable deck of cards. But then suddenly a bunch of them disappeared, and the one on top had a date stamp on the top.

I can pretend I was doing this as a form of protest, or perhaps I was pointing out how much paper they’re wasting. But really I’m just too lazy to throw trash out when someone else puts it in my suitcase.

As far as checking my baggage goes, I have this to say: If I pay $25 to check my baggage, then I better be able to place my feet underneath the seat in front of me. Make one of those assholes that bring huge suitcases into the plane lose their legroom damnit!

In appreciation of this achievement, I wont pray for the slow and painful death of this author. I promise to only pray for a quick and painless death instead.

Good luck with dying, and thank you for plugging our address into your spambot!

• Massachusetts already has mandatory health care. For the most part people there dont want to reverse it… so why should they have serious care about the National health care legislation? The only thing they’re really missing in the State plans is real price controls. Of course, at this point I’m not sure if I’d support the health insurance legislation without knowing which bill or compromise they end up going with.
• Martha Coakley was either evil or stupid. Look up her history as an Attorney General. Look at how she responded to the Aqua Teen Hunger Force light boards. Look at her name in the news for the last 20 years and how most of the stories do not make her look good. I was confused over how she kept winning Attorney General elections, and I’m confused about how she beat out people with good records in the primary, but I am not confused at all about why she lost the final election.
• The Republican that was voted in (Scott Brown) may not be the worst thing to happen to the Democrats. Democrats have members of their own party that are more conservative/neoconservative than this guy is. Hell, looking at his position I feel the guy is actually more independent than Lieberman. Although he has a lot of stances I dont like, compared to Coakley I probably would have voted for this guy too. For the record, Scott Brown did vote for the Massachusetts health care bill despite being against the proposed Senate bill.
• The ‘independents’ seem to be defined by the media as people that vote on issues rather than by party affiliation alone. We are constantly reminded that independents helped elect Obama on a message of Change. Guess what? Independents elected Scott Brown on a message of change too (but probably not a health care change). People that vote on issues know that the letter next to a person’s name doesn’t mean that a person is automatically smart or evil. After all, Martha Coakley was evil and a Democrat.
• Before the election Democrats had 59 members in Senate. Now they have 59 members in Senate. Of those 59, they have at least 4 members that wont vote for a goddamn thing anyway, so this election did no more to kill health care/insurance bills than they were already doing to themselves. Even if there were 60 Democrats there is no way all 60 will ever agree on a single damn thing.
• Maybe its time for the pussyfooted majority party to start forcing the minority party to actually follow through on their filibuster threats. Make them stand for four days. Make them appear on national news reading books out loud or singing old fight songs. Make them explain why they’re blocking a vote on something. Hell, make them hold themselves accountable.
• If biting the entire thing off at once doesn’t work, start going at it piecemeal. People can understand simple things like “This bill makes it so insurance companies cant cancel you if you get sick” but they cant understand “Here is 1000 pages of stuff thats even harder to read than the Patriot act was”. They can understand things like “Doctors should have to have posted prices just like Mechanics do” but cant understand the difference between a death panel and legitimate end of life counseling.

I could go one for hours, and I’ve already left the realm of the Senate Election. I will now resume my regularly scheduled diet of porn and sarcasm.

I mean, seriously, have you ever had problems with animals coming out of your pipes? Have you ever seen a place that had pipes just strewn about randomly outdoors where they would do no good at all? Have you ever just suspended a pipe from your ceiling for the hell of it? Plus, I’m sure the EPA would be damn interested to hear about all the pipes just randomly gorging their contents into the water reservoirs. No wonder some of the fish can fly there.

Even going back to the original 1983 Mario bros… crabs coming out of the pipes? I mean, I know some of you have crabs going into your pipes (you know who you are) but has anyone ever seen crabs coming out of them? No wonder Mario spits fire.

For example:

I challenge the readers, email harvesters, and spam-bots that frequent this website to find a horrible/tragic/disgusting/etc video that is NOT made better by the addition of the Benny Hill theme. You can add the theme to any youtube video by using the “Benny Hillifier” here: http://bennyhillifier.com/.

Sub-Challenge: Someone needs to take the 1man1jar video, speed it up a little, and add the theme song.

In either case the best submissions may end up posted here.

Submissions can be commented on this thread (comments screened) or links can be sent via email to clme@ this domain.

Man#2: Totally! Yeah! I can build it out of some used building materials and plastic sheets I have laying around here and use this old shipping container I’m renting as a wall! That will kick ass!

Man#2: Fuck… I must not have used enough duct tape.

Man#1: I fucked your wife.

Man#2: What?

Man#1: I mean, uh… how about that local sports team?

Today’s episode brought to you by 16 inches of snow in 12 hours.

I like snow in moderation… I like lots of things in moderation. But this is a sign that the earth hates us and will do what it can to get rid of us.

By the way: Despite the over-use of duct tape that was not my carport. I would have at least reinforced the duct tape with some chicken wire and bondo.

“Chris, I put on my robe
and wizard hat. Roll for
initiative. Love, Shaun,
your Dungeon Master”

Almost instantly I wondered if I could take its clothes off.

10 points to Gryffindor.

I wish i knew how to quit you.

I know I speak for all of the PenIsMightier staff when I wish Jeer and TheOnyx a happy life together.

Insert a MIDI of “When Doves Cry” here.

I hung up and went back to sleep. I woke up an hour later wondering if I had dreamed the earlier call. I checked my phone and it verified that the call had indeed happened.

I asked my girlfriend about it over lunch today. She swore adamantly that it was not her sending the flowers. Once I finally believed her, I sat and thought about who might send me flowers:

• My most resent ex: While possible, this would be uncharacteristic of her.
• The company that installed my new air conditioning system a last week (and consequently set off a fire sprinkler while welding a copper pipe without a heat shield, thus flooding part of my condo as well as part of the one underneath and the garage below that): I figured they might be trying to play nice after the massive fuck-up.
• Your mom: She’s such a softie.

The flowers arrived late in the day. This is what I found:
(click for larger images)

Suddenly, I remembered the E-mail conversation:

---

From: Jeer
Subject: Get Lamp

A documentary about text adventure!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwZxUGmqSOo

and this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nigRT2KmCE&feature=related

=D

---

From: TheOnyx

I love lamp.

---

From: Jeer

You love dick.

---

From: TheOnyx

You keep hoping for our “Happily Ever After”, but you never do anything about it.

---

From: Jeer

How about I FTD some flowers for you?

Would that make you slip off your chair, sweetheart?

---

From: TheOnyx

It’s like you don’t even know me.

---

Well-played, good sir. Well-played, indeed.

This of course is not surprising from the guy that is best known around here for testicles with smiley faces

Eventually we retreated to the wave pool to bob around for a bit before venturing to the outdoors to forage for dinner. While there, my wife pointed out a particularly large fellow that was floating in the water about 20 feet away from us. He was covered in what can only be described as fur, with each individual strand moving of its own accord, as though possessing a life of its own. It was mesmerizing.

It was at this point that my wife said “Wow, there is finally someone here that is actually hairier than you are.”

Yes, I could feel the love.