posted 03-26-2001 10:45            

Our tech support guru entered our lab, he was a bout five feet tall, laying on his back, and about the same standing up. He had this interesting lisp/nasal voice that sounded remarkably like a tin can being dragged down a wet street. Upon his entrance, he made the following proclaimation:

"You will have to excuse me, I had 21 inches of my colon removed last year. It has realy given me an amazing new outlook on life."

With that comment, he promptly seated himself infront of the workstation that the new instrument was to be installed on. This workstation is your standard Dell machine with Windows NT installed on it. Upon waking the computer, he said:

"Wow!!!!!!! I have never in my life seen such an operating system. You will have to give me a few minutes to get used to this setup. What windows are you running here? This is totally different from what I work with, the icons are different and the background isn't this neat picture. AND LOOK AT THE POINTERS!!!!!! I have never seen such an hour glass that turns upsidedown when the sand runs out. HOW NEATO!!!!!!"

Suddenly, I became very frightened. This man had now apparent clue how to operate a computer.

For his next feat, he had to remove the cover to put in the card that connected to the instrument. If only he could get the cover off. See, he had never seen a screwless cover before, and was having a helluva time removing the screws. Finally, after some coaching from my Mac Tech supervisor, he got the cover off.

His next problem was an issue with static, a problem that plagues every techie this side of purgatory. His fix was to ground himself by placing his right hand on the metal of the case. The only problem was that he was right handed. I have never seen a sight as a right handed man, trying to service a machine with only his left hand. It must have taken him twenty minutes to unscrew the slot cover off of the box.

Next came the tricky part: Installation of the software. When the computer was put back together, he removed the disk from the box. Upon inspection of the cd drives on our computer, he paniced. We have a DVD drive and a CD-RW drive. His problem was, which one read CDs. What an issue for him. Especially since he was still in school to get his degree in CS. His only problem class: Windows 3.11; Windows for workgroups.

posted 03-30-2001 07:33            

Support: "can I help you sir?"
Me: "yes, I have no connection, I didn't do anything wrong or stupid, problems in my area again?"
Support: "yes sir"
Me: "thought so..., no ETA on when solved?"
Support: "no sir"
Me: "thought so, bye"
Support: "bye si..."
*cling*

posted 03-30-2001 14:48            

ISP Tech: "Yes sir, but if you could just open up your Windows Networking properties for me and change this and that and the other and... what? Windows 2000? I'm sorry sir, we don't support that, you're on your own. You could install Windows 98..."

Jimbo: ::commits seppuku::

ISP Tech: "...sir?"

Grrrrr. I fucking hate tech support people that don't know shit and won't listen.

posted 03-30-2001 16:34            

After a while I found the way to get connected to 2nd level support:
"I've reset my cable modem and I've done ipconfig /renew and still no connection."

posted 03-30-2001 23:52            

scenario: Im surfing along the normal sites and suddely its taking forever to load a page. so i hit back and try to find a mirror or look elsewhere and not much happening....... then i notice icq got magically disconnected and is trying to connect......

reaction: "shit dead modem" i disconnect and try to dial in again. (my isp used to have dead modems.. every once in awhile his machines would randomly reboot and their modem would go dead) so i dial back in and.... vuala a damned busy signal..

hmmm considering only 120 people have a service with him in the whole area (3 towns)

action: i call the guy up and im not too happy, i tell him what happened and he says to uninstall then reinstall my modem cuz it must be that, i tell him again it was a BUSY signal he tells me to wait a second so he can check something. i hear him fumble around for a bit then tells me to connect, i do connect and all is well i tell him im all set and promtly hand up

5 minutes later: DEAD FUCKIN MODEM
i am kinda pissed now, i goto reconnect and its busy again. i call him up and its busy. im pretty pissed, so i figure fuck this im goin to go see him (he lives only 2 miles away) so i drive down and knock on the door. his wife answers and invites me in i walk in and see him on the phone..... his wife goes elsewhere so i pay a bit of attention to the isp owner.... i notice him on the phone saying "hold on a second sir and ill see if i can help you" he then proceeds to click around then says " there you go should be able to connect now"
he hits the flash button and takes another call repeat process of the people getting busy signals but i look over and the motherfucker is disconnecting people so that the people who call can got online, then i realize ALL his comps are on and running, one didnt reset he just doesnt have enough lines for even half his customers....
so i grab a piece of paper from his printer and write in big bold letters:

USER NAME: NUENTOTER
PASSWORD: YOUR SERVICE SUCKS

PLEASE CANCEL MY DAMNED ACCOUNT AND DONT BILL ME

put it in front of him and leave