posted 10-27-2001 09:15            

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

--------------------------------------------

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop and a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he ask Carrie's father to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST !!!!!!!!"

posted 10-27-2001 10:04            

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.

posted 10-27-2001 10:03            

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Make race car noises when people get on and off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.

Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering "Shut up damnit! All of you just shut up!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peeking inside ask "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving ar your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Ever had a wet willy?"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

One work: flatulence!

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while and then announce: "I've got new socks on".

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh not now! Damn motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter into your nose.

From and mutter "Gotta go! Gotta go!" then sigh and say "Oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes Away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp and then say "Mmmmmmmmmmm...tasty."

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-a-long.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

Play the accordion.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

posted 10-27-2001 21:41         

A: Two. One to hold the ladder, and the other to hold the penis.

posted 10-29-2001 07:52            

1.) Which is easier to unload, a truckload of bowling balls or a truckload of dead babies??
A truckload of dead babies cuz you can use pitchforks

2.) Why was Helen Keller's leg wet??
Her dog was blind too

3.) How do ya make a Dead Baby Float??
Two scoops of dead baby and a can of root beer

4.) Why don't blind people sky dive??
It scares the hell out of the dog

5.) So there were these two cannables sitting around eating a clown. One turns to the other and says: "hey, does this meat taste funny to you??"

6.) What does Snoop Doggy Dogg use when he does his laundry
BLEEEYYOCH

7.) A new drug store opened up in town and Jimmy went their to buy some condoms. He asked the guy behind the counter and the pharmacist said: "You gotta hot date tonight?"
"Hell yeah," Jimmy replied. "A new girl moved into town and i am gonna show her the time of her life, Might as well get Ribbed, for her pleasure, if you know what I mean!!!!!"
"Well, here ya go tiger, go knock em dead tonight!"
"Will do!"

Later that night, Jimmy arrived at his dates house. His date, Sherrly, greeted him at the door and proceeded to introduce him to her parents, who were playing Monopoly. Jimmy stated that Monoply was his favorite game and that he would like to play it tonight with her parents.
Several hours go by and it was time for Jimmy to go. Sherrly walked him to the door, and was furrious.
"What the hell was that??? I was gonna show you a wild time tonight, but you were to intresested in Monopoly to get some action"
Jimmy became infuriated as well and replied "Yeah, you coulda told me that your dad a pharmacist too"

posted 10-29-2001 16:51            

quote:

---

Originally posted by MrSelfdestruct:
Alright, this one is gonna get me into a Whole lotta trouble

1.) Which is easier to unload...

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Okay, you're in a whole lot of trouble, for telling really old jokes.