posted 01-13-2002 15:56            

Dear Bitch,

Thank you so much for the crisp twenty dollar bill. I plan to use it to get something I have always wanted... two ten dollar bills. Thanks again!

posted 01-13-2002 16:11            

Thank you for the pornography. As you know, people have been giving me such gifts for years... gosh, it has been so long that I cannot even remember how the tradition started. But I am glad to say that your pornography is the best pornography I have ever received. As a matter of fact, I feel very strongly that there is now no point in giving me any more of these ever again, since I now own the perfect pornography. It would be unfair to put anyone in the position of trying to live up to your gift, and any lesser pornography would be a sad anticlimax. I am so grateful to you for completing my collection.

posted 01-13-2002 16:32            

Thank you so much for the lovely Spice rack. A handmade gift contains so much more love than some cold, impersonal gift that anyone could buy in a store, like a Tivo player or a Playstation 2 or a cashmere sweater. Or a Rolex. Or jewelry! Jewelry is really cold and impersonal. So is a flat screen TV. To sum up, I will treasure your gift of a Spice rack always, because it is redolent with the sweat of your labors, unlike a top-of-the-line G4.

Sincerely yours,
MightyMon

posted 01-13-2002 16:56            

Thank you for the Dutchness. As you know, people have been giving me such gifts for years... gosh, it has been so long that I cannot even remember how the tradition started. But I am glad to say that your Dutchness is the best Dutchness I have ever received. As a matter of fact, I feel very strongly that there is now no point in giving me any more of these ever again, since I now own the perfect Dutchness. It would be unfair to put anyone in the position of trying to live up to your gift, and any lesser Dutchness would be a sad anticlimax. I am so grateful to you for completing my collection.

posted 01-13-2002 18:36         

I laughed so hard when I unwrapped your gift and found a homosexual frat-boy post to the board! What a scream. You really have a crazy sense of humor. I really got a kick out of the hilarious concept embodied by the homosexual frat-boy posts to the board or the screamingly funny motto on the packaging of the homosexual frat-boy posts to the board or inscribed on the homosexual frat-boy posts to the board itself. This homosexual frat-boy posts to the board will definitely be displayed in my home where it will never cease to cause gales of laughter with its humorous appearance. Thank you.

posted 01-13-2002 23:51         

Thanks for the genital herpes. I was hoping that I would get genital herpes this year, and when I unwrapped your present, lo and behold, there was my genital herpes. I was never so excited as when I saw your genital herpes. Thank you for your generous gift. I will truly cherish my new genital herpes.

posted 01-14-2002 00:01            

Thank you for the Main page monitors. As you know, people have been giving me such gifts for years... gosh, it has been so long that I cannot even remember how the tradition started. But I am glad to say that your Main page monitors is the best Main page monitors I have ever received. As a matter of fact, I feel very strongly that there is now no point in giving me any more of these ever again, since I now own the perfect Main page monitors. It would be unfair to put anyone in the position of trying to live up to your gift, and any lesser Main page monitors would be a sad anticlimax. I am so grateful to you for completing my collection.

posted 01-14-2002 00:03            

I laughed so hard when I unwrapped your gift and found a rubber vagina! What a scream. You really have a crazy sense of humor. I really got a kick out of the hilarious concept embodied by the rubber vagina or the screamingly funny motto on the packaging of the rubber vagina or inscribed on the rubber vagina itself. This rubber vagina will definitely be displayed in my home where it will never cease to cause gales of laughter with its humorous appearance. Thank you.

posted 01-14-2002 00:36            

Thank you for the delicious absolutely nothing. I cannot wait to sink my teeth into it! I will think of you when I eat it, when I excrete the unusable parts of it, and when I use any of the muscle, bone or fat cells which my body has built with it.

With love,
sloth

posted 01-14-2002 00:52            

Thank you for the goat. As you know, people have been giving me such gifts for years... gosh, it has been so long that I cannot even remember how the tradition started. But I am glad to say that your goat is the best goat I have ever received. As a matter of fact, I feel very strongly that there is now no point in giving me any more of these ever again, since I now own the perfect goat. It would be unfair to put anyone in the position of trying to live up to your gift, and any lesser goat would be a sad anticlimax. I am so grateful to you for completing my collection.

posted 01-14-2002 02:36            

I laughed so hard when I unwrapped your gift and found a Inflatable Sheep! What a scream. You really have a crazy sense of humor. I really got a kick out of the hilarious concept embodied by the Inflatable Sheep or the screamingly funny motto on the packaging of the Inflatable Sheep or inscribed on the Inflatable Sheep itself. This Inflatable Sheep will definitely be displayed in my home where it will never cease to cause gales of laughter with its humorous appearance. Thank you.

posted 01-14-2002 05:49            

Thank you for the delicious Hedgehog Collectable Doll (1 of 7). I cannot wait to sink my teeth into it! I will think of you when I eat it, when I excrete the unusable parts of it, and when I use any of the muscle, bone or fat cells which my body has built with it.

posted 01-14-2002 06:17            

Dear Sara,

Thank you for the Walking PenIs. As you know, people have been giving me such gifts for years... gosh, it has been so long that I cannot even remember how the tradition started. But I am glad to say that your Walking PenIs is the best Walking PenIs I have ever received. As a matter of fact, I feel very strongly that there is now no point in giving me any more of these ever again, since I now own the perfect Walking PenIs. It would be unfair to put anyone in the position of trying to live up to your gift, and any lesser Walking PenIs would be a sad anticlimax. I am so grateful to you for completing my collection.

posted 01-14-2002 08:29            

Thank you for your gift of illiteracy and incoherence. I will use it with my gift of bad spelling to write the best posts on PenIs.

posted 01-14-2002 09:27            

Thank you for rocking so hard.

posted 01-14-2002 22:51            

Dear Dave,

Thank you so much for the lovely $1.50 an hour hispanic labor. A handmade gift contains so much more love than some cold, impersonal gift that anyone could buy in a store, like a Tivo player or a Playstation 2 or a cashmere sweater. Or a Rolex. Or jewelry! Jewelry is really cold and impersonal. So is a flat screen TV. To sum up, I will treasure your gift of a $1.50 an hour hispanic labor always, because it is redolent with the sweat of your labors, unlike a top-of-the-line G4.