penismightier.com

People constantly amaze me. Apparently there is a blog out there devoted to nothing but depictions of men being punched, kicked, or otherwise injured in the groin.

NadShot.com

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a fetish site, a humor site, or if someone just really likes making me uncomfortable. Thats right, me uncomfortable. Fuck the rest of you, the internet is all about me. Even when its an uncomfortable place (not unlike the back of a Volkswagen).

But I digress. The page is mostly filled with comics of people getting kicked, and for some reason I cant help but read comics. So next thing I know I’m at the end of the page feeling slightly queasy and resisting the urge to click through the archives. My pain is now your pain. Enjoy.

http://improbable.com/ig/
How else would you honor the confirmation that coke is an excellent spermicide?

I asked some of the pen forum posters to post items that they thought should go on the Pen mainpage (the glorious site you are currently reading). I was surprised when almost every post after that contained a link.

So… without further ado, I give you the links the pen forum thinks are linkworthy. All links will open in a new window.

Kung Fu Election The game isn’t the best, but the concept rocks. Try it out.
(courtesy of Dave)

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Lets just say its typical mainpage shit.
(courtesy of Dave)

Frosty meets Cthulu.
(courtesy of Dave, again)

Extreme Rubber Band Gun (.jp site, slow loading).
(courtesy of stpdlsr)

Frogs with claws? Frogs with claws!
(once again, Dave)

Interesting Bank Robbery
(dave)

Cockgobble.
(courtesy of eod)

Google 2001. Search Google’s 2001 index. Available for a limited time (through October?)

We had a lot of other comments, suggestions, and suggestive comments along with those, but I picked the ones that I didn’t have to do work for. I’m lazy by nature. So, sorry other people.

That said, please feel free to contact me or reply to this post with your own suggestions or comments. Suggestive comments are best sent to Dave, in the pen forum.

I had a bit of trouble finding out why a computer I was working on this week kept overheating. The processor fan wasn’t too clogged up, and other than a light coating of tar from cigarette smoke it wasn’t too hard to blow out and wipe clean.

Then I took off the front, where most of the air was supposed to come in…

The dust that was embedded inside the front of that case managed to get stuck to the tar, creating an air-tight seal around all of the vent holes.

A public service announcement from PenIsMightier.com:
Your computer is not a smokeless ashtray.

On Friday at work I was cleaning up and refurbishing an old laptop so I could give it to a new employee when I accidentally broke a piece off of the crappy little heatsink inside. The remaining chunk of heatsink wouldn’t stay put on its own, so I reached in my pocket, pulled out a penny, and put that in its place. It fit perfectly, and the laptop doesn’t seem to overheat.

That’s what I call making my money work for me.

At the moment that heatsink is worth more than my 401k.

Its time for yet another episode of Masturbatory Roleplaying! The game where everybody loses, even when they win!.

Story Five:
Web-Cam Truth or Dare.

Imagine that you’re a voyeur. Or don’t imagine. You are. We all know it. We forgive you. Now give me back my underwear and re-mulch the area under the windows.

Anyway… since that went to a bad place lets change the scenario again. You’re watching a complicated soap opera in which the protagonist is a young man that is working nights to pay for school. He lives almost rent-free with his girlfriend. We now join our program, already in progress:

…On his way to bed he looked into the computer room as saw her sitting there, clad in a tank top and a pair of panties. She glared at him as though he had disturbed something private, which in fact he had. The light on her webcam was conspicuously on, and the position of her tank top revealed that she most likely was not wearing her bra anymore.

He feigned ignorance to the proceedings, wanting to avoid the fight and just get some sleep. He was too tired to care, and quite frankly a fight right now wouldn’t help end the two month dry spell he had been encountering anyway; the latest in a chain of dry spells that started back about the same time that he started to work third shift at his call center job.

In some sort of ritual defiance to these thoughts he jerked off and came weakly into a dirty shirt before throwing the shirt in the general direction of the hamper and falling asleep.

In what must have been only 15 minutes later, suddenly he was being shaken awake.

She was sitting on the bed next to him now, and wanted to have sex. There was a faint smell of beer on her breath as she whispered into his ear ‘Hey! I want you to fuck me over the edge of the bed and then come all over my face’.

Even though he knew he should say no… well, she was right there, ready. He was up almost immediately, and they started to go at it. Positions were changed several times, and she kept saying “Are you almost there?”

He wasn’t, even after a half hour of this. Something was missing. Some little voice in his conscience kept distracting him. Plus of course he had just pulled one off right before she sauntered in for some action.

Finally, after another ten minutes he managed to have a weak orgasm, but didn’t remember to pull out and come on her face as requested.

She cried out “Wait, did you come?”

“Yeah. I did”

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” She yelled “All I asked for was for you to come on my fucking face and you couldn’t get that much right?”

He closed his eyes to disguise the rolling motion they were making and crawled back into bed. “Sorry.” he said “I was tired and forgot”

She stormed back into the computer room and started frantically typing again. Apparently she just lost some sort of web-cam truth or dare.

He fell asleep with a smile on his face. He may not be getting laid again for another two months, but this was oh so worth it. Especially once he remembered to check the IRC logs on her computer the next day.

Such a happy couple. I bet they go far!

So while scrolling through my RSS feed viewer, I happened across this entry:

Until I clicked on it and saw the football entry I honestly thought it was a newsfeed to a story about “beware Obama”. Perhaps its just unfortunate that Alabama’s nickname is so close to a presidential candidate. On the other hand, maybe the writer knew that none of the other newspapers or feeds that carried the story would bother to change the headline…
Click here to see a Google Search for that headline.

Even with the whole unfortunate nickname thing aside, this points out a real issue with news today: There are only a few sources of stories for all newspapers. Maybe newspapers should stop sending me free copies of their birdcage liner and actually hire some researchers and reporters?

Do you hear that newspapers? I don’t want more copies of your paper that I wont read. I want independent research and assurance that I wont find a better (or the same) article on the opening page of google news. Until then: Fuck the corporate media. There is no ‘liberal’ or ‘conservative’ media conspiracy, there is simply a ‘corporate’ media conspiracy.

I wonder how long it will take until no one knows what the phrase ‘above the fold’ means?

*phone rings*

Me: I.T. Support. This is Clem.

End User: Hey, ever since you gave me that new computer two months ago I’m missing the icon for %Application%. Can you put it back?

Me: Wow, two months, huh? How often do you normally have to use %Application%?

End User: Oh, I never use it. I just want my desktop to look exactly like it did before. I want my icons back.

Me: Wait, you dont use %Application%?

End User: Well, I might have to some day, but I dont know what it does. I want my icon back.

Me: You want an icon back for a program you dont use?

End User: Yes I do. What if I need that program?

Me: You had the old computer for three years and never used it.

End User: Well they dont offer any training here!

Me: Ok… *I create a shortcut to google.com and name it %Application%*

End User: Wait… thats not right.

Me: Why not?

End User: The icon thing looked different before. It was white or something. This is a big blue ‘E’.

Me: Oh, thats Vista.

End User: I have Vista?

Me: Yeah… thats why you got a new computer…? Remember all those emails I sent you, with the links to training programs and videos?

End User: I have Vista?

Me: Yes.

End User: Vista made my icon look like the Internet?

Me: Yes.

End User: Oh. That makes sense.

Me: Thank you for calling. Have a nice day.

Its time for another episode of Masturbatory Roleplaying! The game where I’m the DM, you dont get to role for initiative, and no matter what decisions you make you’re going to have to hear about how I don’t get as much sex as I’d like.

Story Four:
Incestuous Purloined Porn Stashes.

Imagine you’re a young man that is living with his parents while getting your HSED. Your computer is broken, so you have taken to using your parents computer while they are at work.

As sometimes happens, you realize you need a secure place to hide your porn stash. You know your mom will check out any new folders on the desktop, but you remember something that some geek told you about hiding things in plain site, and decide to hide your porn right in the “My Pictures” folder since you don’t think your mom will check anywhere except the desktop.

Unfortunately for you, soon after you start to do this your mom discovers the “My Pictures Slideshow” screensaver and finds your porn. She calls you in to explain yourself when suddenly a picture of your
mom posing naked in the kitchen appears on the screen.

Thats right… your dad apparently was thinking the same thing with regard to ‘hiding in plain site’. Well, with that out of the way you and your mother have a good laugh and thank Gaia that your dad hasn’t
discovered the pictures of you and her that were hidden on that USB key in the tampon box.

However, he will if you don’t pass on that message to your sister. I’m serious. If she doesn’t live up to her end of the bargain then your entire city will know about what you and mommy have been doing in the sewing room. The safety word was “thimble” if I recall correctly.

You know who you are.

*note: If you don’t know who you are, assume I’m talking about you. Bribes happily accepted*

Its time for masturbatory roleplaying! Its like roleplaying with a sexual partner, but without the dressing up or the sex.

Its a cool, dreary afternoon and you’re trying to decide between taking a walk or having a good long . Seeing as how your significant other is out for the day (and you never cared for the cold) you decide to drop trou and settle in for a good long wank. Take your time about it. Find your inner pervert. Savor the moment, if you will.

Suddenly, your ministrations are interrupted by a knock at your window. You sit still in hopes that they will go away… but moments later you hear a pounding at your back door.

I know, I know… you were just getting into what you were doing. In fact, you were hoping you’d be able to go back to doing that soon. In your mind the only difference between now and five minutes ago is that you want to finish quickly so you can go online and make a ‘pounding at your back door’ joke to everyone on your buddy list.

The person at the door doesn’t see it that way though, because the next thing you know your door is being kicked in and a complete stranger walks into the room. He looks around for a moment, and then he see’s you sitting on your bed. The reaction he gives leads you to believe that he wasn’t pounding on the windows/doors to get a better view.

Without saying a word he turns around and walked out of the house.

You take a look at the door, and notice that the lock was not broken at all. The frame of the door just splintered and shredded, and the door will not close properly at all.

Now you believe you have reason to worry about your safety and call the cops and the building maintenance guy, in that order. The cops arrive and soon catch a suspect that matches the description you gave, but you cant verify his identity for sure so they let him go. The maintenance guy’s girlfriend answers the phone when you call, but based on how rude and annoyed she was by the call you suspect that the maintenance man wont be arriving until a weekday afternoon.

Its time to invest in a barricade bucko! Pull out that heavy furniture and get it in front of that door!

The question I never had answered is this:
What did he tell the police he was doing when the man broke into his house?